If You're Playing With Fire, You're Gonna Get Burned

Nice guys finish last.

We're all familiar with this line. And then it happens, you meet a nice guy and they say the same thing. You deny it. Tell them it's not true. But here's the thing. You're lying.

Sure, maybe you don't think you are. There's ladies who say that they want that guy who showers her with compliments, treats her like a gem, respects every word she speaks. He remembers your birthday...and your mom's. It's amazing in the beginning and we think for sure we've found happiness. But here's the thing, unless he's got a secret side that's a bit...daring, then ladies, you're gonna get bored. This is the guy you can take home to mom and dad and they'll love him. They'll approve immediately as he melts their hearts with the way he looks at you, compliments you, holds a conversation.

But ladies, you and I both know that you're going to get tired of the straight and narrow. We all know that on a primal level we all crave that boy who's a little bit...bad. One who we can throw a nice shirt on and take home to mom and dad. But who can still take us out and feel as if we are having an adventure under the cover of darkness. Doing something that we shouldn't. Things that we would never tell our parents about and would make saints faint.

Why is it that the boys that have the potential to hurt us most also make our hearts race and our blood boil? What makes them so damn appealing?

Take a look at a character such as James Bond. Sure, he's a fictional character. But men want to be him (cuz he gets all the hot chicks) and the ladies find him wildly attractive (for the thrill), despite him being a certifiable man whore. Why? Every day, everywhere we are expected to be good little girls. At work we go about our job all covered up and polite, around town is just the same. We want people to see the "perfect" side of us that is perpetuated in our society. Damn Puritan ethic.

Why do you think sex sells everything from shaving cream to albums? Why do you think the most popular television shows are saturated in sex and sensuality (Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, Private Practice)? Some of our biggest stars run around much less than half clothed and dancing promiscuously in their music videos (Lady Gaga, Madonna, Britney Spears). They do things that we could never imagine getting to do in actual reality without being judged and talked about behind our backs. But we all know there's some part of us that would love to unleash that totally sexy part of ourselves. Just think what it feels like when you put on a great outfit (think tight fitting business clothes with fabulous heels). Yeah, it feels pretty good doesn't it? It's the feeling that we can do just whatever the hell we want and no one can stop us.

This is the thrill we get from those dangerous men. Mom and dad aren't there to question what we're doing. Telling us that we're making the wrong decisions. Maybe we're even be lucky enough to be in a town where there's enough people that you are absolutely awash in anonymity. Just for the night you can be whoever you want to be. And these bad boys, they'll play right along. They'll give you what you want, but in the end they'll take even more. It's playing with fire. Ultimately you will get burned. Playing with fire is hazardous yet oh so fun just because it's so taboo and there's such a risk of getting hurt. It's the same reason people jump out of planes or hang by threads off the side of a cliff. It's the for the thrill of the adventure.

It's the reason nice guys do finish last.

Because ladies, whether you find Pierce Brosnan attractive or not, there's no way (with a straight face that you can tell me you wouldn't get in that car.

Honesty Really Is The Best Policy...Sometimes.

So, here I sit. In the dark. And not because yes, it is indeed night time. But rather because my roommate (my 2nd one this school year mind you) goes to bed at a ridiculously early hour. It was 10pm this evening. This of course, is the time that I do all my work. From about 10/10:30 until whatever time in the morning I start falling asleep on my book/computer. This is going to be something that will have to be discussed.

When my roommate asked to move in we had a meeting over dinner to talk about our compatibility. The very first thing I said was that I go to bed very, very late. There were other options. My roommate could have taken a new roommate this semester, or applied to have a single room but paid a little more money (which is SO what I should have done). This was not the only option. Well, I was honest. It would have been nice if it was reciprocated. At least my last roommate was up until a reasonable hour. Dear Lord this is college, not an assisted living facility. I'm going to need to do work. I'm going to need light. Simple as that. Especially if I'm going to be able to keep up on all this reading. With 16 credits this semester there's not a spare moment!

Another thing that probably warrants discussing is the personal space issue that you will encounter in college. Chances are the only space that is truly yours is your bed! Even my refrigerator is not sacred. I came back the other day to find my roommate's (sealed) spaghetti sauce jar in my fridge. Okay, that's alright. If perhaps permission had been asked first. Or even better if I had been here and permission was asked while I was here. It's not the fact that she's using my fridge, it's that she went into something that is mine while I wasn't here. But the fridge thing, I can let that slide. That's just not worth it. What really irks me though is that same day, I got back from class to find my laptop open on my desk. No big deal right? Wrong. My laptop is never left open when I leave. Ever. My roommate's computer was in the shop and she had asked to use one of my computers. One that no one ever gets to use but me. I politely told her no, and handed her the laptop I do my schoolwork on. Lucky for me my computer atomically password protects whenever the screen/computer goes to sleep. An invasion of my personal space via the refrigerator is one thing. My laptop is a whole 'nother ballpark.

Anyhow, rant over.

Tomorrow is the start of a 4 day weekend! I've no classes on Fridays this semester (in exchange for a couple of hellish weekdays) which means that with Martin Luther King Jr. Day I'll have less school in the next week than days off. Too bad we know it's going to go by way too fast. But it also means that we'll only have a week left to January, which means there'll only be 3 months left to the semester. Yep. I'm already counting. Not that it really matters though as I'll be stuck in this land-locked city for the entirety of the summer. Whoever though up this 8 semester rule at my school needs to start looking for their village. It's greatly missing it's idiot. But that is for another time.

All you people out there who are transferring to a university, be sure to ensure that it's precisely where you want to go and know what you want to do. If there's any uncertainty you should transfer as a Sophomore. Just a fair word of advice.

But tomorrow is another day. And for now that's how we'll take things here. One day at a time.

Peace,

Elina

This is not a photo from Ireland this time. It is rather a picture from the beaches a few hundred miles south of my own. Most likely in the wintertime when the town belongs to the locals solely. So lovely.

Politics, Politics, Politics

Today is the first day of the new semester here at my university. It's the first day of my classes that are nearly a mile (0.9 of a mile to be exact) from my dorm. It's also the day that I'm realizing that my major of International Studies many not be for me. I was up bright and early to go visit academic advising which turned out to be the most useless waste of my time. This week is walk-in advising only, which means their academic services are limited to a very strict list. This means that my hope of switching my major couldn't actually happen till next week. Which doesn't work for me considering that this week is the drop/add period for classes. And fortunately (or unfortunately) for me three of my five classes this semester are for my current major. Which means that after this semester I will have completed the majority of core courses for my degree. Normally, at a "normal" university this would not present an issue. One could simply switch their major the following semester regardless of class year (I now happen to be a 1st semester Junior). However, here at my university we have an 8 semester limit and it is not often that 9th semesters are awarded even when you apply for them. This is at least according to the advisor I saw this morning.

This leaves me with the realization that I must either learn to like (if not love) my major, or apply to go to a different school. At this point however, I can not say that the latter option is not, at least somewhat, desirable. My school thrives off of its reputation (the majority of it based in the basketball team) and loves to keep appearances for appearances sake. There is no time to relax, no time to enjoy college if you really want to keep on even the midline of the work that is assigned. The conundrum is that a degree from here truly means something in the working world. Leaving would mean losing the backing and support that would come with the name. The degree would not matter to an extent, simply the connection. It also means that I would have wasted the better part of a year here and be downgrading to a university with a lesser reputation. It's all so complicated, this navigation of the university world.

When I came on the tour for my school back in April 2009 they prattled on about how transfer friendly the school was, the basketball team, the different happenings around campus, the basketball team, greek life, oh, and did I happen to mention the basketball team? Yeah. It's kinda like that. All. The. Time. I couldn't give a care about sports, and sometimes I feel as if there really is a thing as too much school spirit. I mean, people, seriously. This place is not all that great. Please just give it a freaking break!

Well, I have till March 1st to make my decision of what to do. Perhaps it's time to make a visit to the career center and see just what it is I could do with my current major.

Till next time.

Peace,

Elina

Oh, and did I say it's supposed to snow today? Yep. More of the disgusting white stuffs to make this place run even slower than it already does.

This photo is from the war memorial at Queens University in Belfast, Northern Ireland

"Prime" Time - The Year 2011

Today is just one of a few dates this year that will hold the honor of being completely comprised of one number, 1/1/11. It's a new year, a supposed "fresh start", a hitting of the reset button. 2010 was indeed quite the year for me. It kicked off crazy with my last semester at community college, a trip to QVC, and other adventures abound. Then graduation hit and things wend down from there for a while, then back up, then I suppose sort of leveling off. Summer of course, was way too short and my first semester at university way too long. Just as this break has been way too short. Just a few days after getting home from school I trekked up to Washington D.C. for a few days, and got back just in time for Christmas. We went a few days ago to see The Lion King musical production which was absolutely phenomenal! I recommend everyone to go and see it.

But now I'm facing the fact that in one week I will be sleeping back in my dorm room once again. And with gas prices already back over $3 a gallon I'm not sure how often I'll be able to come home. Even with having my three day weekend this semester. And much unlike many of my friends I am not ready to go back to school. It's not like it's the most spectacular and fun place to be so why would I be eager to go back? Also it seems that many folks I know had a crummy 2010 and are ready to wish it good riddance. But as I said, my 2010 was a year full of new possibilities and new experiences and I'm not sure that I was quite ready for it to end. 2011 for me just means lots and lots of school. I'll have just about 4 weeks this year that I won't be in school and the prospect does not excite me. Frankly even the year twenty-eleven...it just doesn't sound right. Plus it's a prime number year. Not cool. Today just seems to hold this foreboding in the air. I'm trying hard to not make it seem that way, but there's just something a touch off about it all.

Hopefully my predictions will be completely inaccurate. But that of course will have to wait another 12 months to be seen. Perhaps it's just the fact that it's once again, January. Nobody likes January. There's no real holidays (c'mon, no one gets together on Martin Luther King day. Sorry man), it's still cold and usually pretty gray too. January is stuck in a season that nothing grows, it's wet (and did I mention cold), and just dismal all around. Once you get to April then the year starts to get a little better. Things start to grow again, the end of the semester is in sight. Of course that part doesn't matter for me this year. 4 days after exams end classes start again. Ick! (Yes, I'm going to be complaining about this one a lot) But all this aside, I will try my best to make 2011 a good year. I really don't think that it can top 2010 for me, but we can sure try! And with that note, it's time for a family dinner (early, I know right?!) so I gotta run.

Happy New Year everyone!

Peace,

Elina

This is a picture of the Liffey in Dublin on New Year's Eve (Year Unknown).

Note: So it turned out the high temp today was over 60° F. So much for that cold thing!

"Once I Pick Up My Parts I Broke On You..."

Well, I try not to inundate this place with posts that most people will never read. But ultimately, this being for my own sanity and really to have a place to think (this almost makes me think of Dumbledore's pensive except that I'm not quite that brill), it's alright. I should be in bed. I really do need the sleep, but at the moment...well really any time it's just not possible.

But now, now I'm watching as a friend goes through some of the same things I have over the past few years and I am trying my best to help. Sometimes it feels so futile though. And I would never wish this particular situation upon such a kind person. They don't deserve it. But you can't help who you care about most in life. You can't force yourself to like someone, just as much as you could force yourself to no longer care for someone. It just doesn't work. Resisting such an emotion is quite a futile process, and one that leads us to hurt ourselves more than anything else. The thing in such a situation is, that no matter what happens you feel as if you've come out the loser. Either you keep your mouth shut, continue with life as normal and dwell on maybes and might have beens. Or you say something, open yourself up and have everything fall apart. Possibly even to the point that things can never be repaired again. When this happens, more than just our friendships get broken. Part of ourselves breaks too. And if we can't repair this, the cracks will keep getting bigger. We can continue to patch them, but it's like mixing too much water in the mortar. It will never set, never dry. Leaving us right back where we began over and over again.

These shoddy repairs that aren't truly working, help us to hold together what is left of the parts we broke. If just barely. The thing is though, that we can't hold them all on our own for very long. But this is one of those times that we lie to ourselves in the vain hope that we will eventually believe the lies are true. But this kind of repair work, it leaves us unable to ever be truly whole again without a lot of hard work from more than just ourselves. The problem with this is that outsiders to your damage can never see its true extent. They can never quite understand what that one little thing is to fix to make the parts whole again. To make us function as normal, emotional, human beings again. To feel something other than broken again. To think about something other than those who broke us. It takes time and there are so few people in the world with that kind of patience. Perhaps only saints.

When we are first hit, when those first cracks in our foundation are made, it seems like there will never be anything beyond. And time, it knows no mercy. It either creeps along at a glacial pace, or rushes on like a torrential river. Both ways are equally destructive, leaving in its wake an aftermath that we can only hope one day to be able to restore once more. At this moment in time I would say that I doubt that you can ever revert something back to the state it was prior. But this is not without trying. Even just some small margin of healing can be a huge leap when there no longer seems anywhere to go. Even stepping half way out of the circle of darkness that surrounds us can be a major achievement. This is something that other people cannot understand, just what this seemingly small step will mean to you.

Time will heal you, but it will be painful, it will cause you tears, and it will make you want to give up. Don't. But once again, never underestimate the incredible power of your friends. Let them be your refuge, your glue. Even if what they are offering isn't perfect, give them a chance. You'll never know until you do.

Peace,

Elina

Once more another picture from Fanad Point in County Donegal.

Remember that no matter how bad the storm seems, there's always going to be a light somewhere in the darkness. Walk towards it. Your tired feet will reach it eventually.

Is The Pain Worth The Price?

Alright, so I've just driven 200+ miles and am back on the beach once again. 3 days later. I should be going to bed, but there's just so much going on that I can't sleep. Well, I don't think that cup of exam-week-worthy-strong coffee at dinner helps much either. This particular drive home didn't seem to take as long though due to running my mouth on the cellie (thanks to that cup of coffee). It's amazing how easy it is to lose touch with people who are really great to have in your life. At the same time though, it's also easy to lose touch with those people in your life you really need losing ("I've lost the friends I've needed losing / Found others on the way..."). Talking to friends from an old circle can really remind you of this. [Lots of] Shared history can either be a blessing and a curse. The things you learn about someone over time can be pretty revealing and downright disappointing. The wonderful illusions of what (or who) you thought you knew are swept away to reveal something that we don't necessarily want to know.

In some cases this is just downright sad. If you've known someone long enough you can have an idea of their true potential. The places they could go in life. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Sometimes all you can do is watch your friend walk themselves off that cliff and be there to pick them back up again. But what happens when you're tired of picking them back up? What if your tired of the I'm sorries and screw ups? What if you're not there the next time your friend walks off the cliff? Do you think they'll realize only then, when it's already too late, what they've lost? They say love has no limits. So they say....

But when taken for granted, that work that it takes to keep our friendships going can be utterly exhausting. It can wear an individual down till they simply can't take anymore. You can only help someone so much until it's time for them to finally help themselves. But this is nearly impossible when their behavior is more than simply self destructive. When your friend's behavior is harmful to others...what do you do? What can you do? How can you wake up your friend from the lie they live to see the bitter reality they have caused?! Violence is never the answer. But when it gets to this point...this is the point that we wish life could be like TV and the movies. This is the point that we want to seize our friends by the shoulders, shake them, yell at them, and slap them till they get the point. Because eventually enough is enough! Eventually you are not going to be able to bear the stress that these apathetic fools cause in our lives. The pressure on our mental faculties and other relationships can be increased too easily. Especially so when everyone is interconnected and has history. It's all so complex. So delicate. So fragile.

Is it this fragile, already strained bond that we are holding on to by not confronting our friend with the vicious truth? And how do you go about doing that when that person is so clearly in need of some form of help? Support. We all need support in situations like this. These are the times that we must never forget we have other friends. There is always someone and you are never alone. And you cannot possibly keep all this stress, and these secrets, and suspicions inside without eventually driving yourself absolutely mad. When it gets to this point, all these things, they're no longer deemed as that vile word of "gossip". It's a safety valve. We all need to have a "person" to who we can just let the words, and stress, and truth we have been avoiding, ceaselessly flow until we can speak no more. Never take for granted the power that healthy friendships hold. Never take for granted the people who are there no matter what. Not the ones who come and go as they please. But the ones who are really, truly, there. Don't be like that friend who's walking off the cliff. Don't let it get to the point that you don't have someone there to pick you back up again. That's no way to live your life. Blind. A lie. A fight. No matter what you want to call it, whatever the driver behind that poison is, don't ever let it get that bad.

Our true friends are the antidote, the recovery, in our lives. So always offer a friend in need a hand, and sometimes offer them what will hurt. Medicine has bad reactions. It has bad tastes. And sometimes it can cause the side affect of pain. Sometimes, you as a good friend, have to be that medicine. Because eventually you're going to get tired of getting hurt by the sickness of your friend's poor choices. Sometimes they can't be saved. Sometimes there's nothing we can do but walk away for the pure sake of saving ourselves. It hurts. But you won't realize this is precisely what you need until you yourself have had the chance to heal and reflect.

There are choices to be made. What will yours be?

As always,

Peace,

Elina

This image is a storm rolling in at Fanad Point in Donegal, Ireland. The ocean can be a great friend through her gifts, but she can use her power to take just as fast.

Remember: You're in College Now

Coming back from classes for the day, I get off the elevator and what do I see but a sign posted on our little galley kitchen window proclaiming, "The kitchen is now closed until further notice." No, there's nothing wrong with the kitchen. They're not doing renovations. It's in response to the inability of a handful of our hall residence's inability to clean up after themselves like the adults they're supposed to be. Lots of people on our hall cook their own meals as opposed to having meal plans. The problem is that some of these folks don't seem to know how to wipe up their grease from the stove, clean out the sink, clean the counter off, or even do their dishes in a timely manner. I understand if you are just eating your dinner (I mean, who wants to eat cold food cuz you were washing dishes?), but to leave your disgusting dishes with food in them on the counter and in the sink for a day or more is just unsanitary and stinky. Not only that, it's disrespectful to your fellow residents and the housekeeper. Initially it was simply a verbal request to keep the kitchen clean, next a Community Government sign was posted reminding folks it's a shared. This was followed by a sign in red letters with an arrow pointing down at the counter (someone left icky dishes there for 4 days!) saying that our housekeeper deserved better than that. Finally today our kitchen is closed. Not like there isn't another kitchen downstairs, it's just horribly inconvenient.

So these few people have caused something that is a very great nuisance to the rest of the people living on the hall. Their inability to act like adults and clean up after themselves has consequences, and it's not right to those of us who always take the time to clean up. People, your mother is not going to magically appear to do your dishes and clean the kitchen! This is part of going away to college. Responsibility. It's time you all learned some. Sure, it's that time of year that we're all busy. But we all have to live here, so let's be fair.

Speaking of exams, everyone here is in mega freakout mode. They remind us of exams at every turn. I went to a lovely "Holiday Concert" (because you know we have to be totally PC here) last night sponsored by the General Alumni Association and they reminded us about exams there before we got up to sing the alma matter. For this reason I'll be hitting the road to make the long journey back to the island for a few days to study where it's a little more relaxed. Woohoo.

But boy do I look forward to the end of the semester. I get home and two days later turn around and head up to Washington D.C. for a few days. Should be fun with the city all decorated for the holidays! But for now I'm off to get more studying done in the coziness of my dorm room. It happens to be hovering somewhere around 27° at the current moment. Ick! I should have gone farther south for school. Climate change sucks!

10 DAYS!!!

Peace,

Elina

Enjoy the photo from the countryside of a currently very frozen Ireland.