"Once I Pick Up My Parts I Broke On You..."

Well, I try not to inundate this place with posts that most people will never read. But ultimately, this being for my own sanity and really to have a place to think (this almost makes me think of Dumbledore's pensive except that I'm not quite that brill), it's alright. I should be in bed. I really do need the sleep, but at the moment...well really any time it's just not possible.

But now, now I'm watching as a friend goes through some of the same things I have over the past few years and I am trying my best to help. Sometimes it feels so futile though. And I would never wish this particular situation upon such a kind person. They don't deserve it. But you can't help who you care about most in life. You can't force yourself to like someone, just as much as you could force yourself to no longer care for someone. It just doesn't work. Resisting such an emotion is quite a futile process, and one that leads us to hurt ourselves more than anything else. The thing in such a situation is, that no matter what happens you feel as if you've come out the loser. Either you keep your mouth shut, continue with life as normal and dwell on maybes and might have beens. Or you say something, open yourself up and have everything fall apart. Possibly even to the point that things can never be repaired again. When this happens, more than just our friendships get broken. Part of ourselves breaks too. And if we can't repair this, the cracks will keep getting bigger. We can continue to patch them, but it's like mixing too much water in the mortar. It will never set, never dry. Leaving us right back where we began over and over again.

These shoddy repairs that aren't truly working, help us to hold together what is left of the parts we broke. If just barely. The thing is though, that we can't hold them all on our own for very long. But this is one of those times that we lie to ourselves in the vain hope that we will eventually believe the lies are true. But this kind of repair work, it leaves us unable to ever be truly whole again without a lot of hard work from more than just ourselves. The problem with this is that outsiders to your damage can never see its true extent. They can never quite understand what that one little thing is to fix to make the parts whole again. To make us function as normal, emotional, human beings again. To feel something other than broken again. To think about something other than those who broke us. It takes time and there are so few people in the world with that kind of patience. Perhaps only saints.

When we are first hit, when those first cracks in our foundation are made, it seems like there will never be anything beyond. And time, it knows no mercy. It either creeps along at a glacial pace, or rushes on like a torrential river. Both ways are equally destructive, leaving in its wake an aftermath that we can only hope one day to be able to restore once more. At this moment in time I would say that I doubt that you can ever revert something back to the state it was prior. But this is not without trying. Even just some small margin of healing can be a huge leap when there no longer seems anywhere to go. Even stepping half way out of the circle of darkness that surrounds us can be a major achievement. This is something that other people cannot understand, just what this seemingly small step will mean to you.

Time will heal you, but it will be painful, it will cause you tears, and it will make you want to give up. Don't. But once again, never underestimate the incredible power of your friends. Let them be your refuge, your glue. Even if what they are offering isn't perfect, give them a chance. You'll never know until you do.

Peace,

Elina

Once more another picture from Fanad Point in County Donegal.

Remember that no matter how bad the storm seems, there's always going to be a light somewhere in the darkness. Walk towards it. Your tired feet will reach it eventually.

Is The Pain Worth The Price?

Alright, so I've just driven 200+ miles and am back on the beach once again. 3 days later. I should be going to bed, but there's just so much going on that I can't sleep. Well, I don't think that cup of exam-week-worthy-strong coffee at dinner helps much either. This particular drive home didn't seem to take as long though due to running my mouth on the cellie (thanks to that cup of coffee). It's amazing how easy it is to lose touch with people who are really great to have in your life. At the same time though, it's also easy to lose touch with those people in your life you really need losing ("I've lost the friends I've needed losing / Found others on the way..."). Talking to friends from an old circle can really remind you of this. [Lots of] Shared history can either be a blessing and a curse. The things you learn about someone over time can be pretty revealing and downright disappointing. The wonderful illusions of what (or who) you thought you knew are swept away to reveal something that we don't necessarily want to know.

In some cases this is just downright sad. If you've known someone long enough you can have an idea of their true potential. The places they could go in life. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Sometimes all you can do is watch your friend walk themselves off that cliff and be there to pick them back up again. But what happens when you're tired of picking them back up? What if your tired of the I'm sorries and screw ups? What if you're not there the next time your friend walks off the cliff? Do you think they'll realize only then, when it's already too late, what they've lost? They say love has no limits. So they say....

But when taken for granted, that work that it takes to keep our friendships going can be utterly exhausting. It can wear an individual down till they simply can't take anymore. You can only help someone so much until it's time for them to finally help themselves. But this is nearly impossible when their behavior is more than simply self destructive. When your friend's behavior is harmful to others...what do you do? What can you do? How can you wake up your friend from the lie they live to see the bitter reality they have caused?! Violence is never the answer. But when it gets to this point...this is the point that we wish life could be like TV and the movies. This is the point that we want to seize our friends by the shoulders, shake them, yell at them, and slap them till they get the point. Because eventually enough is enough! Eventually you are not going to be able to bear the stress that these apathetic fools cause in our lives. The pressure on our mental faculties and other relationships can be increased too easily. Especially so when everyone is interconnected and has history. It's all so complex. So delicate. So fragile.

Is it this fragile, already strained bond that we are holding on to by not confronting our friend with the vicious truth? And how do you go about doing that when that person is so clearly in need of some form of help? Support. We all need support in situations like this. These are the times that we must never forget we have other friends. There is always someone and you are never alone. And you cannot possibly keep all this stress, and these secrets, and suspicions inside without eventually driving yourself absolutely mad. When it gets to this point, all these things, they're no longer deemed as that vile word of "gossip". It's a safety valve. We all need to have a "person" to who we can just let the words, and stress, and truth we have been avoiding, ceaselessly flow until we can speak no more. Never take for granted the power that healthy friendships hold. Never take for granted the people who are there no matter what. Not the ones who come and go as they please. But the ones who are really, truly, there. Don't be like that friend who's walking off the cliff. Don't let it get to the point that you don't have someone there to pick you back up again. That's no way to live your life. Blind. A lie. A fight. No matter what you want to call it, whatever the driver behind that poison is, don't ever let it get that bad.

Our true friends are the antidote, the recovery, in our lives. So always offer a friend in need a hand, and sometimes offer them what will hurt. Medicine has bad reactions. It has bad tastes. And sometimes it can cause the side affect of pain. Sometimes, you as a good friend, have to be that medicine. Because eventually you're going to get tired of getting hurt by the sickness of your friend's poor choices. Sometimes they can't be saved. Sometimes there's nothing we can do but walk away for the pure sake of saving ourselves. It hurts. But you won't realize this is precisely what you need until you yourself have had the chance to heal and reflect.

There are choices to be made. What will yours be?

As always,

Peace,

Elina

This image is a storm rolling in at Fanad Point in Donegal, Ireland. The ocean can be a great friend through her gifts, but she can use her power to take just as fast.

Remember: You're in College Now

Coming back from classes for the day, I get off the elevator and what do I see but a sign posted on our little galley kitchen window proclaiming, "The kitchen is now closed until further notice." No, there's nothing wrong with the kitchen. They're not doing renovations. It's in response to the inability of a handful of our hall residence's inability to clean up after themselves like the adults they're supposed to be. Lots of people on our hall cook their own meals as opposed to having meal plans. The problem is that some of these folks don't seem to know how to wipe up their grease from the stove, clean out the sink, clean the counter off, or even do their dishes in a timely manner. I understand if you are just eating your dinner (I mean, who wants to eat cold food cuz you were washing dishes?), but to leave your disgusting dishes with food in them on the counter and in the sink for a day or more is just unsanitary and stinky. Not only that, it's disrespectful to your fellow residents and the housekeeper. Initially it was simply a verbal request to keep the kitchen clean, next a Community Government sign was posted reminding folks it's a shared. This was followed by a sign in red letters with an arrow pointing down at the counter (someone left icky dishes there for 4 days!) saying that our housekeeper deserved better than that. Finally today our kitchen is closed. Not like there isn't another kitchen downstairs, it's just horribly inconvenient.

So these few people have caused something that is a very great nuisance to the rest of the people living on the hall. Their inability to act like adults and clean up after themselves has consequences, and it's not right to those of us who always take the time to clean up. People, your mother is not going to magically appear to do your dishes and clean the kitchen! This is part of going away to college. Responsibility. It's time you all learned some. Sure, it's that time of year that we're all busy. But we all have to live here, so let's be fair.

Speaking of exams, everyone here is in mega freakout mode. They remind us of exams at every turn. I went to a lovely "Holiday Concert" (because you know we have to be totally PC here) last night sponsored by the General Alumni Association and they reminded us about exams there before we got up to sing the alma matter. For this reason I'll be hitting the road to make the long journey back to the island for a few days to study where it's a little more relaxed. Woohoo.

But boy do I look forward to the end of the semester. I get home and two days later turn around and head up to Washington D.C. for a few days. Should be fun with the city all decorated for the holidays! But for now I'm off to get more studying done in the coziness of my dorm room. It happens to be hovering somewhere around 27° at the current moment. Ick! I should have gone farther south for school. Climate change sucks!

10 DAYS!!!

Peace,

Elina

Enjoy the photo from the countryside of a currently very frozen Ireland.

The First Day of The Last Month of The First Decade of The 21st Century

So, it's the first day of the last month of the first decade of the twenty-first century. Okay, so technically it's now an hour into the 2nd day, but we're not working on technicalities here. There's still 30 days left in this year, and boy has it been a year! But we'll come to that when the next 30 days are over. Okay? Okay.

But it's nearly the end of another quantifiable amount of time that's passed...a semester. My first semester at a legit university. I know right?! And while I'm not a freshman, I'm kind of on the same level as them on learning how to navigate the university life and system. So, this being I've decided to type up a few things I've learned so far in my first semester. I'm sure this list will be added to in the next few weeks.

1. Always be prepared. Whether this means having the cord for your laptop, packing extra pencils and paper, or keeping a...toothbrush (yeah, let's go with that) in your purse, is up to you.
2. It is going to rain on a day you have to walk to class. Wellies and a rain coat are your friends. Oh, and be sure to get a rainproof cover for your backpack too. You don't want your books (or laptop!) getting soaked.
3. Do pack those extra pencils and paper. You never know that one day in class that your laptop won't work...and that will guaranteed be the day your prof gives out important details for the exam.
4. iPods are not optional
5. Get a bike. Unless you are going to school someplace that's one giant mountain, just do it.
6. Don't go barefoot in the bathroom. Seriously people. Just, eww.
7. You will not need that unlimited meal plan.
8. Avoid the unidentifiable meat in the dining hall. Seriously...put it down.
9. When in the dining hall do listen to the conversations of your fellow hungry students. You never know what you'll hear. Which leads to my next point....
10. Don't date on campus. No, I don't care if the individual is cute/hot/well groomed/sexy, no. Or if you can't help yourself avoid the boys from the dining hall at all costs. And really....if you must....be safe and know that they will talk about you (aka rate you) to all their friends and pretty much anyone who will listen. And seriously...go to campus health. No, don't walk there. Run. Get yourself...tested or something. I mean, what were you thinking dating on campus? Eww!
11. Everyone wears leggings when it's cold, and those running shorts that look like you're wearing a diaper well, all the time.
12. No one understands what it's like to be from the beach. Even the people who are from 7 hours down the coast. No, stop pretending like you get what it's like to be a beach kid at this university. Are you from the island? No? Then you don't get it.
13. There will always be someone staying in to do homework on the weekends.
14. You will pull all nighters
15. You will spend way too much time on Facebook
16. If you're illegally downloading music it will stop when you get to college or you will get pulled in front of a panel and put on academic probation (promise this wasn't a personal experience one!). Seriously people, they can watch what you're doing.
17. Do get to class on time
18. Utilize your university services. Writing centers and free tutoring are there for a reason y'all!
19. Go home for sometime other than a scheduled break if it's at all possible. This will save your sanity.
20. You know what? It's alright to be pissed to no end if you get sexiled. Even if it's with a forewarning.
21. Watch your spending! It's easy to rack up bills quickly.
22. Sign up for the free food listserv.
23. Guess what. The pretty people still get ahead. Yes, they did it in high school, and they still do it in college.
24. It's okay to not like your school and still stay there because its name means something in the world.
25. Check your email more than once a day. And I do mean your school email. Your 5 other accounts or Facebook do not count.
26. Get a refrigerator.
27. It's okay to stop and take pictures of the people playing Quidditch. Because you know what, even though Harry Potter is cool...y'all people running around with broomsticks stuck between your legs, are weird.
28. Back up your computer, back up your computer, back up your computer. Or better yet, set it to back up automatically. Because you know that 8 page paper you just wrote that's due in the morning, it's gone if your computer crashes. And it does happen. And the last one for now...
29. Get some sleep!

That being said I'm out for the night. More college lessons to come!

Peace,

Elina

In honor of all my friends who are seeing snow (please be sure to keep it!), here's a photo of Galgorm Castle in County Antrim.