Let the Rain Pour

It's amazing what only a few days can do to you. 48 hours, 2,880 minutes, 172,800 seconds. I was so optimistic in my last post. Now this time next week I'll be headed home for spring break. But let's see how much this school can break my spirit first. As if it's not difficult enough to be stuck here on an average day, it's even worse when it rains. It's cold, everything is drenched, and do not think this is a clean rain. Instead when it rains it traps car exhaust in the mist, the sewers stink, and the streets run with foamy, gray water.

My first midterm yesterday did not go well, despite studying for 4 days prior. Nor did the essay I just got handed back today. A seemingly simple assignment. And as for spring break, it's not truly a break. I have just about as much homework to do over break as I do in a normal week, if not more. If my university gets its reputation from trying to crush the life out of their students, then I can see why it holds its accolades. I wish though, as if I felt any of this knowledge is actually going to be applicable in the real world. But as of right now, I feel as if it is not. Many of my classes are repetitive, and for the love of God when am I going to need to know the difference between Intergovernmental and Intragovernmental? I thought I wanted to work in International Relations. Be able to travel and get paid for it, foster agreements and such. But I do believe that I was incorrect. There are so many other ways to travel and get paid, and with such cooler jobs than my major can get me.

But alas, now I must go and compose an essay for the intro core class of my major! I've only put it off till the day before it's due at noon.

Always be sure the decisions that you are making are truly for yourselves.

Peace,

Elina

Live By The Currents, Plan By The Tides, & Follow The Sun

The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever.

- Jacques Cousteau

The weekend has come and gone once again. What sadness. Although my Mondays/Tuesdays nudge me ever so gently into the week, it's still Monday! This weekend was much needed, even if it was a little exhausting. I decided once again to make the 170 mile (one-way) pilgrimage (alone) to worship the sand, sun, and salt water in the 75° weather. It was with the best of intentions that I packed up my books, beach towel and stunt kite and looked to see when the next bus was running.... "No current prediction for this route." Right. Saturday. This means the bus didn't even start running till 11:30am. My car is 3 miles off campus since you know, in 1790 whatever they were perhaps considering what wealthy lad would bring his horse, not his car. Parking here is absolutely non-existant, and I had forgotten to pick up my car the night before. At this point it's about 9:30/9:45ish and I'm absolutely determined to get to the beach. The sun is shining, it's warm, I'm going! I consolidated my bags as best I could (books take up space!), slung my kite over my back (thank heavens for the ingenuity of the Prism corporation), grabbed my keys and headed to my bike.

Now mind you, I was the genius that purchased a cruiser bike. This equates to being able to have a spacious basket on the back, but no gears unless I wanted to shell out over $225 for a bike. As I started my excursion I thought things maybe wouldn't be so bad. The street I was on was all downhill and I was cruising pretty. But always remember this my dear friends, what goes....uh, down must go back up. As I walked my bike up the freaking mountain (okay, okay it was a hill. But it's a lot more than anything out on the beach!) I realized the source of my sore throat was in fact, the pollution from all those cars whizzing by. Gross! As I crossed the intersection, nearing my final goal, I was ready to curse the city transit to the darkest depths. But you know what? I made it (at 10:30). I don't think sitting in my car has ever felt more heavenly.

Then I drove, and drove, and drove. Thank heavens it's 70mph for the majority of the trip! As I reached the nearest city and the speeds slowed, I opened all the windows. Oh sweet salt air and sunshine! I was home, if only metaphorically, and I was more than just a little stoked to be there. So much to the point that the traffic didn't bother me in the least bit. "Just another Saturday in the 'summer'," I smiled to myself. I broke from most of the traffic by deciding to drive a few extra miles to the south, away from the beaches where fundamental things like parking, are not free. While this beach did have a few hotels, and definitely rental houses, it looked to be a fairly local place. There were lots of beach-side houses with mailboxes and cozy neighborhoods that embraced everything it meant to live at the beach. And at the pinnacle of it all was...free parking.

I couldn't get out of my car fast enough. I got on the beach, found a spot, dropped my stuff, and like the little kid I felt like, plopped myself ungracefully down onto the sand and just sat there. There were families, lone sunbathers, groups, tourists, surfers, a pier, seagulls, sand, sun, waves, and wind. Oh God, the wind! We just don't have that here at school. I completely forgot about the sunscreen at the bottom of my bag (I thought I'd forgotten it in my dorm) and set up my kite. It's a big kite, but it's built light for winds just 1-10mph. And this day was not that. The gusts were just too much. Although I'd put on the heavier line set, I could feel it was too little at just 90lbs test. I put the kite away after about 15 min and set to the studying/sunbathing. To my credit, I think I did pretty alright in the studying department for being completely distracted by my surroundings. No y'all, I'm not talking about the "local scenery". Get your minds out of the gutter! The dolphins of course! And they were so close to shore. In all my years I don't think I've ever seen dolphins that close to shore.

After the sun started sinking to the west and the wind picked up I realized that no more studying was getting accomplished. So I threw on some jeans and a long-sleeved shirt (hey, I know that you need 3 different outfits for unseasonal beach days) and just "was". I climbed the lifeguard tower (oh so different than the ones where I live. Plus they take ours down in the wintertime), watched the surfers and dolphins, took pictures, watched the waves, and just in general took great notice of how few days I'd ever fully appreciated that I got to live at the beach. Some people live for getting to come to the beach for a week in a year, maybe every two years. I got to be there every single day. I didn't have to wait. Now I have driven twice this semester 240 miles round-trip to get just a few hours at the beach. It's been worth it every time. My friends and I are planing a weekend when we can go down together as a group. Probably in April some time with the way all of our schedules look. But I look forward to it all the same.

I was finally driven off the beach by the facts that I didn't bring a jacket and hadn't eaten breakfast that morning. Chilly and hungry...hmm... I found a local joint that smelled promising, and surveyed the parking lot. This is always a must when deciding where to eat at the beach. Why? Locals know best. Yes, I had found a place absolutely packed with local cars. The food was, as the locals waiting in line had said, very good. It was all too soon time to leave and make my 2hr and 15-30min trip back inland. In my time on one of the very most southern islands (certainly the farthest south I've ever been in the state) I was asked twice for directions, and then someone thought I was coming in for a shift at work at the restaurant. Guess I look like I fit in down there.

I was absolutely shattered when I got back to my dorm. I seem to have forgotten just what a day at the beach will do to you (coupled with a good many miles of driving). I smelled of beach and had salt stuck on my skin, my hair was windblown, and I managed to track sand over what seemed like every square inch of my dorm room in the span of 30 seconds. But there were shells in my pocket and I was happy...but freezing! I went to get my jammies on...and oh! There's the reason I was cold...and hot....and cold. My arms, shoulders, and chest were glowing a nice, light pink color. Sunburn. I was sunburned in the middle of February. It's the definition of ironic. Being the devoted beach kid that I am the Aloe Lotion never left my closest from the summer. Sweet relief...

Now the pink is nearly gone, the sand is swept up, and the shells rest in a bowl on my dresser. Tomorrow is supposed to be in the 50s, as is most of the rest of the week. But that's okay. As much as I'd love for this springtime teaser to stick around, I'll take anything I can get. It's just about 9 days till spring break, and my first midterm is in just under two days. If I survive them all I'll get rewarded with my very own beach. My home.

Remember to have random fun y'all!!

Peace,

Elina

My soul is full of longing
For the secret of the sea,
And the heart of the great ocean
Sends a thrilling pulse through me.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

This photo is my very own, shot on my phone this weekend.

Roommates, Road Trips and Roasts

So yesterday my roommate told me that the lock on our room was being replaced as she had misplaced (lost) her keys. And to be honest, I was annoyed. Yes, upset and annoyed. I mean, I've misplaced my keys before, but have always found them. Mostly I find it absolutely wondrous that you can lose a set of keys attached to a wallet. Now, I wasn't really sure why I was bothered by this. I certainly didn't have to pay for a new key. I wasn't the one who may have lost things in a wallet. And then I realized...I have been holding an unconscious thought of allowing the other person(s) to live in my room as opposed to our room. Perhaps this has to do with the fact that I've never had to share a room in my life, or maybe it is because my current roommate asked to live with me as opposed to being assigned. Honestly, I'm not sure. But I have been viewing this space as mine, and that I am simply kind enough to let the other person have some space too.

What the hell was I thinking?!

I didn't even realize till late last night (or maybe it was earlier today) that this was the way I have been viewing this. It's all these discussions about "unrealized privilege" and such that we're covering in my classes. Not that this is a situation of the advantaged and disadvantaged at all. But it's similar in its own right. At this point, I'm not really sure what I can do with this revelation to change my thinking/attitude. First I need to figure out why I'm view having a roommate in this way. It certainly has been quite the adjustment! Living with someone that is.

Yet it's kinda not totally like having a roommate since she's never here on the weekends. She heads home on her soul searching. In which I wish her luck. I wish she'd let Campus Health help her with it too though. There's no shame in going there for counseling, and there's some really great, helpful people there. Anyone noticed the change in the blog tone? Yeah, good folks.

While adjusting (even though it's been 6 months already) living with someone has been quite stressful. However, something bigger is approaching again. That's right folks! It's midterm time again (almost). That means there's papers due, reading to be done, notes to be transcribed, homework to be done, textbooks & flashcards to study, and of course, tests to take. We've been very fortunate that this absolutely gorgeous weather we're having *knocks on wood that it sticks around* has helped relieved some of the anxiety that is related to this time of year. But that being said, I haven't been home since the start of the semester and I'm really looking forward to Spring Break (Two Weeks!!!). A friend of mine and I are also considering driving south this weekend to a beach that's a couple hours closer than home. Although gas is getting really expensive again ($3.19 last weekend. Ouch!), it's nice to just get off campus and as far out of this town as you can go. Although we'd probably have to take homework with us, it'd be worth it to study on the beach in 70° (okay 67° but 70° sounds so much better) weather. Here's hoping we can both get enough accomplished tonight and tomorrow so we can go!

And with that thought it's time to put the pork loin in the oven and hop in the shower. "Ab"solution class killed tonight!! Owww!

Keep lovin' every day y'all!

Peace,

Elina

A Medley of Life

I would like it to be noted that this is the first post that I am experimenting not using gender-neutral language. I work very hard to keep where I am to myself (except to my readers who know me, which is probably most of you) and to keep my friends lives private as well.

Okay, so I have not been the best of blogger since being here at school. I'm going to try to change that and post at least once a week (right, like this is going to happen). This semester I figured that I'd have already had a trip or two home (due to being extremely lucky) since I have Fridays off. But alas! My Fridays are one of the busiest days of the week and not a single trip back to the beach has been possible.

But all this being said, those Fridays have been very beneficial for me. Some people won't realize how beneficial they are until they actually see me in person once again. It's also worth it since having meetings in the morning means the day is at least a little productive. This weekend however...not so much. Meeting, shopping trip, dinner with a bestie, Sat = oversleeping (3:15pm!!), Gone With the Wind girls night, grocery shopping, take car back to lot, wait for bus, clean dorm....and oh yeah, do some homework! So the weekend overall was productive, just not in the educational sense.

It seems like this is the time of year where everyone's waiting for something. Whether it's for spring break to be here or for university/grad school acceptance letters. I'm sending my other bestie (who's transferred to this university before me) the best of juju for getting accepted into the law school of her preference. She's a wonderful person and is going to do great things. She deserves to get into a school that is going to help her go even further. I'm also sending a friend from home good juju for his acceptance into this university for undergrad. He'll also be a transfer student facing many of the same challenges that I faced (and am facing still today). It's not going to be an easy road ahead man, but I wish you all the luck if you get in here. As for me, I'm still wishing I didn't have to be in school over the summer and I'd really like to have some income again. It's ridiculously hard to work a job while also attending school full time. Sure, I know people who do it, but it's not something I want to struggle with. You'll only succeed in spreading yourself so thin that you can't do anything to any kind of decent standard. Everything will only be mediocre. Although I'm sure it must be nice to have your own source of income. Lord knows I miss it, and feel terrible whenever I need to have my parents pay for something that isn't directly school related. But boy do I have some wonderful grannies. I've no clue where I'd be without them.

Another challenge (as always) is roommate stuffs. I'm worried about mine, but I'm certainly not the person who just out and approaches people on what may be awkward and sensitive topics. There's been...some stuff going on (which for matter of respect I shan't say here), and I'm quite concerned for my roommate's personal/emotional wellbeing, as well as wellbeing in school. I know it's not necessarily my responsibility to worry, but I can't help it. It's who I am. I care for other people around me. Especially when I have to live with them (okay, so the last roomie was an exception. But you get the picture). So although I feel kind of bad (and kinda sneaky maybe) I went to talk to the Dean of Student Services office. When they get in touch my roomie will know it was me who went to them. And that, I have a feeling, just might get awkward. I'm concerned though that the roomie seems like a totally different person tonight compared to the last few weeks. I just, don't even know.

But in happier news (and kinda shallow/consumeristic news), Verizon now has the iPhone!! Yeehoo!! It's only been since the thing came out that we poor Verizon customers have been waiting for it. And I thought for certain that I would be the 1st one in line at the store the day they released. I would have been too if I wasn't one of those people who thinks things through logically (at least a little bit), along with keeping my ear close(ish) to the ground of the tech world (okay maybe just the Apple world) whispers. But, rumors aside, if you look back, Apple has released a new model of iPhone at their summer keynote speech (usually late June/early July) every year. It only stands to reason that there will be an iPhone 5 making an unveiling, and most likely running on the 4G network. It would only be a smart marketing move on Apple's part. So no matter how desperately I wanted to camp outside the Verizon store down the street, I am testing my utmost patience (and self restraint) and waiting for the big announcement...or not. Time will tell. The worst that will be is that we'll get an updated version of the iPhone 4 that will run a little better. Cuz I mean, come on, we all remember "antennagate". Talk about the fail heard...erm, seen around the world. Just goes to show you that they obviously don't rehearse these things. Maybe they'll think about that in the future.

Also in really cool stuffs, there's this little local (mostly organic/healthy) grocery store down there street where you can make your own almond butter (and peanut butter too). How cool is that?! The almonds are in this machine, and you flip the switch and out comes your fresh almond butter. Yes, I did have to make some. Yes, it is absolutely amazing. That grocery store I will admit, is something I do like about being here. It's one very small thing, but it makes me happy. The thought of going to that little grocery store every weekend. Getting off campus, out of this stuck-up imitation of society. Plus that city's (town really) kinda hippie and chill. It's nice when the weather is starting to turn. Or at least fool us that it's turning (it has ADD I promise you). Highs in the 70s tomorrow and 60s/70s for the rest of the week! Sure wish I had a beach to spend it on. Perhaps a day trip south will be due next weekend if it's still gorgeous. Sucks that it's faster to get to a beach that's not home, than home. Such is life.

Anyhow, I'd best be going since it is the start of a new week and sleep is needed. Despite being nocturnal (and not in the least bit tired right now) it wouldn't be good to fall asleep sitting in the front row of class!

Roll on (faster) 2011!!

Peace,

Elina

This is a photo of Dublin at night shot over the Liffey.

Trials In the Dark

This is murder of the English language at its finest. It's after 5am and I can't sleep. I started thinking about the past and about the future and such things, and this is what came out. I'm exhausted and can hardly see straight to type this post. There are some, who if they only paid attention, would know it all. Everything is here, here where I write. But of course that's not the way it works in life. One day perhaps, one day.

I'm not even going to say that I hope you enjoy this. Heck, I'm just hoping it turns out as something partially readable when I come back tomorrow and see what I've written in my Spanish essay induced brain mushiness.

Trials In the Dark

You don't understand what it means to me

What it means to be free

To be free from the chains

These chains that held fast

The cold of rusted steel

It bit my flesh

It tore my soul

It kept me from you

Struggling with my bonds

I was nearly free

But captured anew

The chains red-hot fire

It burned new life

Hid the scars from cold

Burning white hot it came

Leaving damage like I'd never seen

At its presence I felt surely

That my bonds would be cast away

But when it passed I'd only found

My bonds forged to my very bones

At the flames' passing

A prisoner in the dark

I would not cry for help

Others should not suffer with me

Shackled I would remain

Cold water, cold stone, cold chains

It had been too long

The light was gone

Treachery took my home

There was nothing more

There was nothing left of me

Nothing, just despair

I remember others

Others in the dark

They told me it was not too late

There was still time

Strong hands reached from shadow

Pulling at my shackles

Alas, the tries were all in vain

There was only one who could help me now

The answer was there, as I well knew

I knew it all along

The riddle to my mysterious capture

Unwilling was I to face it

Surely that would change everything

The chains were all I'd ever known

A demon for certain

But a demon I knew

Oh to be free

It meant the unknown

A fear of which surely

Master would break me

For I was not broken

Only bound

There in the dark abyss

There in my mind

For my weakness, I wept

For those I'd hurt, I wept

For those who hurt me, I wept

For the strife, I wept

Tears streaked my face

I fell to the floor

Pulling in vain

At those chains that bind

I wanted so to be free

I would give it all

Just to know a day

Unfettered by cold

Salt water burned

Bolts hissed with acid

Yelping in shock

I looked to the sky

Dingy light filtered the gloom

I could see, barely

The bonds were loosened

Their determined hold still firm

Into the gloom I looked

There must be others

I waited in vain

There were no others

All along I had known

The hands, my imagination

Oh to be free

It was my journey alone

Others would watch

Their reach too short

They watched as I struggled

Blood dripped, tears fell

Looking up from my chains

So a part of who I was

That was when I saw

The solution within my vision

Standing, I reach out my hand

I reached blindly

My one and only hope

And waited, unknowing, silently pleading

Warmth, light like liquid

I was pulled forward

My chains wretched from the stone

Still bound to my soul

I was dismayed

This was not how it worked

No, damnit!

This was not freedom

Weighed down I wandered

Nearly captured again was I

Wandering in the shadows

A piercing light of white

My eyes were blind

So used to the blackness

Stumbling I began to fall

The hands, they were my own

This was the only way

The chins sizzled and sparked

Jumping in fright

Cold steel clattered to the ground

I looked in wonder

Surely this was not so

Surely this was a trick

A trap meant to torture

New hands reached out

Warm and soft

Hands of an angel

Coming from the light

Familiar hands that pulled at chains

Their strength not enough

Patience and time were all to give

The cold steel my own battle

I looked at the angel

A smile on my face

This was no lie

I was free

But still you cannot see

What it means to me

To be free from the chains

Because they were never yours

I tried to show you

But still you did not understand

The scars ran so deep

That which kept me from you

Now my heart is free

Now it is mine to give

Now it can be yours

But alas

You have known distance

Perhaps too long

I was away, I know

I was bound in the dark

You could not see

How could you not

I tried to show you

And now I'm free

Hardly thanks to you it was

You asked for things I could not give

They were not mine

How could they be yours

You didn't understand

You thought this time was at an end

Back you went

Away from me

But still I could not see

For I was bound

In the dark

In the ground

From light I reach

So full of home

The time has come

The time is now

There's only one life

And this is it

It's your only chance

It's your only choice

My Dear Sweet Caroline

I once again have gone on a 2am writing escapade playing with words and stanzas (but not really stanzas since there's no count/rhythm/rhyme). I'm mostly just writing again for the enjoyment of metaphor and imagery. I hope you all like this one. It says a lot more than what are only words.

My Dear Sweet Caroline

My dear sweet Caroline

You took my hand

Told me everything'd be fine

Told me the world could be ours

Oh, my dear sweet Caroline

Through long summer nights

Through winter cold

Everyone said I was the lucky one

The path to greatness would unfold

For Caroline your history holds

Tales of dreams we hardly know

Your family drenched in lavish gold

In your old plantation home

You whispered sweet to me

This poor soul you'd make great

But my dear Caroline, these lies

My soul it was you'd surely break

In your arms in this small town

I thought forever was so sweet

But no, my dear sweet Caroline

There are simply chains that bind

I felt for sure that we could be

Great together, you and me

But these bonds they pull me down

Someplace I swore to never be

But alas, once more I find myself

Crushed in the dark despair

For your love, it smothered

For your history, it choked

Your family it shall rule this town

This town that once, so fair

But no more sweet Caroline

Look, this is your legacy

You tell me we'll be great one day

But I cannot be free

This will always be my legacy

Me and you, burning blue

I fight to leave

I fight to stay

I fight to be who I am destined to be

Chained to this reverent legacy

I rise to leave

In shock you watch

I get my coat, my hat

You can't believe this is happening

Look at the townspeople

They scoff and mock

For I must surely jest

That I would leave this tier so high

For a lower place of rest

It is everyone's dream they say

To be with their sweet Caroline

She is the family's crowning gem

Their fair beauty standing tall

So it's silent that I keep

Walking through these crowded streets

Where day is stifled

And night is day

Looking at that plantation home

I see what I will loose

It makes it no more easy

To walk away from you

For Caroline, don't you see

What it is you've done to me

You've changed me so

Not all for good

I look back at you standing there

But surely you do not care

As a new beau is at your door

Awaiting to walk your floors

As I walk these tired feet

The people I will surely meet

They tell me what a shame it is

Such greatness I have given up

They point and snide

That nothing will I amount to now

For a fisherman I will be

Flying free

I fly to Wendy by the sea

In her arms I'll truly be

Free to sail above the waves

From the tyrant gone away

Never great they say I'll be

On the land and on the sea

For Wendy rules no land you see

Her family has no history

Her town is one not of elite

But all are welcome there

To be in her charge, so fair

To seek what they may find

To dear sweet Caroline

Still standing on her porch so fine

Her striking beauty in the spring

The wind so gentle through the trees

To her history she clings

Tried and true she stands

Keeping a brave face she stares

Ever watching 'or her land

Little time has come to pass

Since I walked her halls

But already she's forgotten me

Her eyes on greater shores

Oh Caroline, your family stands

So proud and noble too

You sigh and shake your head

Disappointed too

For you know that all you have

Will one day fade away

You'll be a memory no more

Like I am to you

For Caroline I'm on the sea

I walked away from you

Though tiresome the path I walk

It is away from you

Away from the legacy you leave

Away from your crushing façade

Your smiling face so strong, so false

You know your crumbling too

But Caroline you'll aways be

In that memory of mine

A story I will tell one day

Of how it is I came to be

On the land and on the sea

Just a distant memory

Living with dear Wendy

Where the gulls fly free

For don't you see sweet Caroline

Night here is not day

The cloudless skies are 'or head

The stars are shining bright

For never in your town you see

A time when night is truly night

A time when day is truly day

Trite things to you dear Caroline

Take the time to stop and see

And you will find life's mystery

Is more than just your legacy

It's in the air, it's on the sea

For once again I'll never be

With you my sweetest Caroline

I live on land, but near the sea

To fly like a bird so free