Tie-Dyes & Finger Paints

Okay, so it turns out that it will be more than 5 weeks till my big transition. There were no summer classes for me to take since I already have so much academic credit. But ultimately that's alright I suppose. It means I'll probably have a later graduation, but it also means that I'll be home for the summer to work and assist my parents. It also means that I could pick up a ticket to see The Script in concert, as well as tickets to go see the Rockstar Mayhem Festival with my Dad. Having summer off from classes is one of those great catch 22s of life. But that doesn't mean that I don't have things to work on for the next academic year! I've already registered for the earliest orientation since you can't sign up for classes until you attend one. That will be in a little over 4 1/2 weeks here. I've also submitted my deposit for housing and made notifications of my housing preferences, which aren't 100% guaranteed as a "new" (transfer) student. But that is how such things work! I'm just hoping the classes I need are going to have enough seats left that I can snag one. This weekend will also mean working on my application for the honors program at my new school. I don't know if they'll let me in as a second-semester junior, but it's always worth a try! The application is free except for the investment of my time, so the worst they can do is tell me no. At least I'll have tried.

For once I'm actually really excited to go to school. Not that I don't think it will still be academically difficult, but this just feels right. I'm not fighting an uphill battle from day one as it has been at my current university. Rather everyone is very nice and very willing to help, and take the time to help without making me feel ridiculously pressured or guilty for taking up their time. And that part has just been so wonderful within itself. I don't know if it's the beach culture, or what. But if the most hassle I've dealt with so far (trying to get someone to transfer me through to the right department. Which I really technically didn't/don't have access to yet as a new student.) *knocks on wood* is the most I'll experience for a while, well that'd be pretty darn wonderful. I don't think life should be so difficult. I feel like if you are feeling as if life shouldn't be so damn hard, then you're probably not on the right path. It's not easy to face, and it's not easy to make the decision to change. But once you do it's quite a freeing feeling.

Today was one of those lazy, but busy days. I dropped off a paper assignment after pulling an all-nighter, picked up some official records, got coffee, and mailed a package (can't wait to hear from my friend once she gets it!). Then I walked up to an event the campus social justice ministry was holding. I got to be back in elementary school again! They had watermelon, popsicles, and an undeterminable flavor of red & purple drink as the snacks. And the "artsy stuff" was the best. As in I tie-dyed 4 shirts and finger painted! I made one of the shirts for mom and one in my new school colors!!! Or at least as best I could by pouring dyes of different colors together until I achieved the right hue. Then tonight my community had a huge pasta dinner, along with fruit, chicken wings, and ice cream sundays! This was in conjunction with a screening of The Social Network on a big inflatable screen in the quad. Overall a good night despite the cold.

But tonight, I feel so bad for one of the gal's in my dorm. She's going through things so similar to what I went through around this time last year. I know how much it hurts and I can see it on her face. And it makes me wonder if that's how I looked, or was I well practiced enough at hiding it by then? When I look back at photos of myself I can see it in a couple of them, but not many. I wish there was something more I could offer than tea, chocolate, a lent ear, or words on a page. But there's really not. This isn't something that other people can help you deal with all that much. The solution has to come from within, and that timeframe is different for everyone. I've just started working to that solution. It's taken so long because I was convinced that if I said enough times that I was fine, that I was long gone and moved on, that I'd really start to believe it. But that's not true. I hope beyond hopes that she can start her self-healing much, much earlier than I did. Because it's not an easy process. It's not one to be taken lightly, or without its setbacks. And if we don't start to help ourselves, it can hurt our relationships with other people, as I have learned. And that can make things even more difficult. Hopefully for all of us the rapidly approaching semester's end will bring renewal and changes for the better in life.

You Can't Slow Down, So You'd Better Hold On

It amazing how much is going to change in the next 5 weeks. 5 weeks! That's just over one month, and around 14 days from when I'm done with this university. To think that I never have to return to this place again unless I want to is huge. To think that I'm undergoing another massive transition in much less than one year is starting to freak me out. Not freak me out in a bad way, but not in a good way either, I think. It just shows how quickly life can change, and it doesn't have to be from something massive like getting married, having a kid, or loosing a loved one.

In 5 weeks I will be on a new path in life, I will have a different zip code, I will be at the opposite end of the state from where I normally reside. It will be an area that I don't know the history of, I don't know the local lore or stories. It will only be 8 miles further from home than my school now, but that 8 miles equates to an extra 1/2 hour of driving. And considering that I'll already be at the beach...my mom and I figure I won't be home as much. I also feel as if this summer I will still need to secure a job. And if not for payment, at least an internship.

It's just amazing to me that this is all happening so fast. The waiting since the end of January was a very slow process. But come April 1st everything has kicked into high gear. It's time to plan out where I'll live, how I'll get there (will Mom come to help me move, or will I be on my own again?), what I'll take with me (will there be room for my surfboard?!!), what classes I'll take, and there's always talk of how life is going to be different.

I keep looking around here as I walk to classes and go about my campus life, and I think about what I'm giving up. The prestige of going to a university that only admits 10% of its applicants (and even less for transfer), the countless resources that are simply there for us (I mean, how many schools can say they have their own hospital system? On campus. Yeah), and the quirks of the "hippy city" down the road. But then I think of what else I am "giving up". I will no longer have the pressure to complete my degree in a set amount of time with the fear of not being able to finish. While I will still strive to do well for myself, I will not feel the constant weight of a top-ranked academic institution pressing down on my shoulders every time I go to study or complete an assignment. I will no longer be trapped on campus, relying on the city bus to get my car. I will not be stuck in a "city" (I got my definition of "city" redefined with a weekend visit to Chicago last fall), but will instead be able to find refuge in the vast expanse that is the Atlantic Ocean, the end of the earth you could say. And while I will be giving up good things here - the friends I've made, the little local co-op grocery, my hard-wood floored dorm room, lol! - I will be gaining so much by simply redefining my track in life. Happiness, is what life is all about. Being fulfilled in what you choose to do. You don't have to earn a ton of money. As long as you can survive, if you are happy, that is worth so much in this world.

Then I think of the struggles I will face, and overcome, one more time. I'll have to register later for classes - thereby not always getting 1st pick, I'll have to learn a new campus, a new social scene, and a new town. I don't know anyone in the area (although my Mom tells me my godfather - whom I've never met - lives in the area) so I'll be starting fresh. But I suppose I look like I fit in there. When I visited I had people ask me for directions, and some locals even though I was coming in to work at the restaurant I went to eat dinner at! I also know I won't be alone (as it says over on the right hand side of this page). My family is there to support me, as are my friends new and old. Also, from the experience so far, I have a very, very helpful university administration. Everyone's always so nice that I almost start crying dealing with them because it's just such a relief. There are still your typical snags as with any big system, but there hasn't been the same ridiculous runaround that I've gotten here. This makes the whole thing so much less stressful, I can't even tell you!

Today I received an email about orientation, and the other night I was preparing everything for my housing application. It makes it all so real. It seems like yesterday this was just an idea, it was just yesterday I was freaking out before Christmas because I didn't want to let my parents expectations down by not coming back here. And I almost didn't. But tuition was already paid, and there was no way I would throw away that much money. Instead, when I got back I vowed to get help, and I did. Although academically it was still a struggle, I (slowly) found that the rest of life did not have to be. If something isn't right, if it's causing you that much distress, you obviously need to change it. And that realization, that decision within itself can be so intensely difficult that you don't even know how you'll just get through that part. But once you do, once you make a decision, then you can move forward with the planing. And that part's never so hard when there's specific steps you must go through. But you can't do it alone. Campus Health is there for a reason. Sometimes just admitting that you need to go there can be really hard, because none of us want to admit that there's something we can't do ourselves. But simply making an appointment, that's the 1st step. That's when you start to realize that maybe you can get everything under control. So I urge you, that if you're having a hard time, if you feel like life shouldn't be this much of a struggle, go get help. There's nothing to be ashamed of in it. CHS is there for that reason. Besides, you paid for it, you may as well take advantage of the resources. Because one thing is for certain, it certainly can't hurt you.

So, I have to give much thanks to Iliana for helping me through the first part of this semester. I could have never done it without her. And once I leave this school, though I'll never see her again, I'll always remember her. Even if she was just doing her job.

5 weeks. Are you ready? I'm ready. Or at least I'm pretty sure I'm ready! This is so crazy!!! Go world!

Peace,

Elina

So Much Hate For The Ones We Love

I was wondering today, when does love turn to hate, and hate to love? It's a thin, blurred line. Both involve a lot of the same elements. We love with intensity and passion, and we can hate with the same. Both love and hate can cause us grievous harm emotionally, mentally, and even physically. So this is the question I pose. When does love become so intense that it turns to hate, and when does hate become too much to bear and turn to love? Do you think it is possible to love someone with intensity and fire, yet curse them in the same breath with the exact same intensity and fire?

These are questions that not even my philosophical musings have been able to bring forth an even relatively abstract answer for. It is simply too complex for me to fathom. Yet at the same time it's a question that plagues me on a regular basis. It's a frustrating and foggy concept. It prompts pages of writing on identical subjects in various forms, which ultimately only runs in circles. Perhaps one day I will be able to separate the love from the hate, and the hate from the love. To let one or the other go. But for now I must settle for the total complexity of this never ending cobweb of contradicting, yet near indistinguishable, forces.

"You don't wanna hurt me,

But see how deep the bullet lies.

Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.

There a thunder in our hearts, baby.

So much hate for the ones we love?

Tell me, we both matter, don't we"

~ Placebo

Running Up That Hill

So Much Better Than Revenge

I was wondering today if every single one of us, despite out beliefs or values, has a little tiny, ittsy part of us that gets some kind of conceited satisfaction, some malicious glee, out of seeing someone we really don't like have something happen to them. You know those girls, the ones who rule the high school just by being bitches, who find it gratifying when someone makes a fool of themselves? Yeah, I'm talking about that little voice. Don't tell me you don't have it. That high-school princess who always gets revenge. It's the same one that makes nerds get their revenge. Now, I'm not talking like, life-altering thing happening to your "tormenter" here. I'm talking about tiny thing that are mildly humiliating, but ultimately harmless in the long run.

Because Lord knows that no matter how much I keep that voice caged up (because I mean,

come on, no one wants to actually be a vindictive bitch), it still snickers and points a finger when someone who has wronged me finds karma. I'm also not speaking about personally dishing out karma as much as we'd like to. I'm talking about being patient and waiting for the universe to bite that someone on the ass. And you know what? As long as it's not brutally harmful, it's amusing! It really is. It's the same kind of funny as we get from watching Family Guy or The Simpsons...in a way. Because as much as we may long to hurt this person in the same way they have hurt us, karma usually deals out things that are infinitely better than you could have thought of. And it doesn't require any work on your part! You just sit back and watch the train wreck unfold. It's much, much more satisfying, and significantly more amusing.

Whether it's that "mean girl" in high school who falls on her bum tripping on her sky-high heels, that boy who stole your girl who gets his ego deflated, or that girl who stole your guy gains a lot of weight, or that snobby coworker who gets told off by your boss, we all have someone like this in our life. And I think that if there was a chance we could get "revenge" without getting in trouble, we'd all do it. It's human nature. We're get angry, we get jealous, we hurt. These aren't pleasant feelings and in order to be rid of them, we'd have to be rid of the source. But that's not always possible of course. That's why when we want to pull that girl's hair, put laxative in that coworker's coffee, or key that guy's car, we don't (or shouldn't). Because by taking the high road, you know karma will be on your side. So not only do you get to be the bigger person, but you get to reap the reward of karma doing its duty.

"Now go stand in the corner and think about what you did..."

It's My Life...How Do You Want To Be Forgotten?

I'm so sick of people questioning what I'm actually going to do with my degree after college! Looking at me with doubt, like I'm going crazy. So what if I want to leave a top-rated, world-renound institution for something lesser? So what? How is it going to affect your life? What is this drastic change in my life going to do to you?! This decision isn't about you. It's about me. Me and my personal happiness. So what if I don't know what I'll do? So what if I end up being just barely able to get by if I love my profession? You have no right to judge me for that. We only get a little while on this Earth and my time is getting closer to one-quarted passed every day. I'm not going to waste my life fighting against the world, being angry at everything around me. It's just not worth it. Life is too damn short! So mind your own business and keep out of mine. It doesn't affect you! I'm not going to run the nation or cure cancer, so why do you care? I'm not going to be a screw up like you so you can justify your mediocre existence. Because in a world of billions I sure won't be remembered, but neither will you. Don't drag me down into your misery so you don't feel alone. Find someone else. I'm above that. Yes, maybe I am giving up the opportunity of a lifetime in the definition of succeeding in a capitalistic society. But it's not worth my happy. It's not worth giving up my love of life. Stop trying to impose your own faults and failures on others to vindicate your own. I'm not yours, you don't get a say. Find someone else to put down. You're an adult. Stop being a bully. Grow up and be a better example in life for those who need you most. You're so busy judging you can't even see how much you've screwed up the people who love you most. So yeah, maybe I won't be successful monetarily. But you know what? People like me. I have steady friends. I try to make other people's lives better, even if I only encounter them for 5 minutes. Maybe it's time you tried something new. Maybe then, you could be great too.

A Great Way to Be Forgotten

This is my life

Who are you to judge?

I don't do drugs

I don't start wars

Maybe I'm giving it all up

Letting opportunity pass by

Maybe I'll just be poor

But just maybe I'll be great

So what

If the future is uncertain?

If I don't know what to do?

If I'm not well known?

It's not your life I'll ruin

It's just me, myself, and I

I'm not a World Leader

I won't be remembered

No one in the future

Will know my name

But that's okay

I'm just here for now

Life's too short

It's just a blink

To live in despair

Let's live for today

Tomorrow's a new day

I won't be remembered

I'm not a superstar

But maybe I'm still great

And before you judge

Just remember this

It's not just me

You'll be forgotten too

____________________________________________________

This photo is my own all around. My own shoe too.

The Setting of Dawn

The Setting of Dawn

Just one month

It's all you have

It's time to leave

I cannot stay

I hope you know

I hope you see

This one's not you

It's all on me

I'll take the anger

By God please yell

I'll take the pain

I'll take the blame

I know it hurts

But time will tell

That you may live

In peace as well

It's just one month

But you can't see

This time is all

That's left of me

Down by the water

The blood red sky

It sets to west

The darkening time

As day sinks down

Your heart will break

Into the darkness

These steps I'll take

You will not forget

In memory to stay

Forever in your veins

Fading through the days

I hope you know

I hope you see

This one's not you

It's all on me

I'll take the anger

By God please yell

I'll take the pain

I'll take the blame

I know it hurts

But time will show

That you will live

Once more as well