Tie-Dyes & Finger Paints

Okay, so it turns out that it will be more than 5 weeks till my big transition. There were no summer classes for me to take since I already have so much academic credit. But ultimately that's alright I suppose. It means I'll probably have a later graduation, but it also means that I'll be home for the summer to work and assist my parents. It also means that I could pick up a ticket to see The Script in concert, as well as tickets to go see the Rockstar Mayhem Festival with my Dad. Having summer off from classes is one of those great catch 22s of life. But that doesn't mean that I don't have things to work on for the next academic year! I've already registered for the earliest orientation since you can't sign up for classes until you attend one. That will be in a little over 4 1/2 weeks here. I've also submitted my deposit for housing and made notifications of my housing preferences, which aren't 100% guaranteed as a "new" (transfer) student. But that is how such things work! I'm just hoping the classes I need are going to have enough seats left that I can snag one. This weekend will also mean working on my application for the honors program at my new school. I don't know if they'll let me in as a second-semester junior, but it's always worth a try! The application is free except for the investment of my time, so the worst they can do is tell me no. At least I'll have tried.

For once I'm actually really excited to go to school. Not that I don't think it will still be academically difficult, but this just feels right. I'm not fighting an uphill battle from day one as it has been at my current university. Rather everyone is very nice and very willing to help, and take the time to help without making me feel ridiculously pressured or guilty for taking up their time. And that part has just been so wonderful within itself. I don't know if it's the beach culture, or what. But if the most hassle I've dealt with so far (trying to get someone to transfer me through to the right department. Which I really technically didn't/don't have access to yet as a new student.) *knocks on wood* is the most I'll experience for a while, well that'd be pretty darn wonderful. I don't think life should be so difficult. I feel like if you are feeling as if life shouldn't be so damn hard, then you're probably not on the right path. It's not easy to face, and it's not easy to make the decision to change. But once you do it's quite a freeing feeling.

Today was one of those lazy, but busy days. I dropped off a paper assignment after pulling an all-nighter, picked up some official records, got coffee, and mailed a package (can't wait to hear from my friend once she gets it!). Then I walked up to an event the campus social justice ministry was holding. I got to be back in elementary school again! They had watermelon, popsicles, and an undeterminable flavor of red & purple drink as the snacks. And the "artsy stuff" was the best. As in I tie-dyed 4 shirts and finger painted! I made one of the shirts for mom and one in my new school colors!!! Or at least as best I could by pouring dyes of different colors together until I achieved the right hue. Then tonight my community had a huge pasta dinner, along with fruit, chicken wings, and ice cream sundays! This was in conjunction with a screening of The Social Network on a big inflatable screen in the quad. Overall a good night despite the cold.

But tonight, I feel so bad for one of the gal's in my dorm. She's going through things so similar to what I went through around this time last year. I know how much it hurts and I can see it on her face. And it makes me wonder if that's how I looked, or was I well practiced enough at hiding it by then? When I look back at photos of myself I can see it in a couple of them, but not many. I wish there was something more I could offer than tea, chocolate, a lent ear, or words on a page. But there's really not. This isn't something that other people can help you deal with all that much. The solution has to come from within, and that timeframe is different for everyone. I've just started working to that solution. It's taken so long because I was convinced that if I said enough times that I was fine, that I was long gone and moved on, that I'd really start to believe it. But that's not true. I hope beyond hopes that she can start her self-healing much, much earlier than I did. Because it's not an easy process. It's not one to be taken lightly, or without its setbacks. And if we don't start to help ourselves, it can hurt our relationships with other people, as I have learned. And that can make things even more difficult. Hopefully for all of us the rapidly approaching semester's end will bring renewal and changes for the better in life.

You Can't Slow Down, So You'd Better Hold On

It amazing how much is going to change in the next 5 weeks. 5 weeks! That's just over one month, and around 14 days from when I'm done with this university. To think that I never have to return to this place again unless I want to is huge. To think that I'm undergoing another massive transition in much less than one year is starting to freak me out. Not freak me out in a bad way, but not in a good way either, I think. It just shows how quickly life can change, and it doesn't have to be from something massive like getting married, having a kid, or loosing a loved one.

In 5 weeks I will be on a new path in life, I will have a different zip code, I will be at the opposite end of the state from where I normally reside. It will be an area that I don't know the history of, I don't know the local lore or stories. It will only be 8 miles further from home than my school now, but that 8 miles equates to an extra 1/2 hour of driving. And considering that I'll already be at the beach...my mom and I figure I won't be home as much. I also feel as if this summer I will still need to secure a job. And if not for payment, at least an internship.

It's just amazing to me that this is all happening so fast. The waiting since the end of January was a very slow process. But come April 1st everything has kicked into high gear. It's time to plan out where I'll live, how I'll get there (will Mom come to help me move, or will I be on my own again?), what I'll take with me (will there be room for my surfboard?!!), what classes I'll take, and there's always talk of how life is going to be different.

I keep looking around here as I walk to classes and go about my campus life, and I think about what I'm giving up. The prestige of going to a university that only admits 10% of its applicants (and even less for transfer), the countless resources that are simply there for us (I mean, how many schools can say they have their own hospital system? On campus. Yeah), and the quirks of the "hippy city" down the road. But then I think of what else I am "giving up". I will no longer have the pressure to complete my degree in a set amount of time with the fear of not being able to finish. While I will still strive to do well for myself, I will not feel the constant weight of a top-ranked academic institution pressing down on my shoulders every time I go to study or complete an assignment. I will no longer be trapped on campus, relying on the city bus to get my car. I will not be stuck in a "city" (I got my definition of "city" redefined with a weekend visit to Chicago last fall), but will instead be able to find refuge in the vast expanse that is the Atlantic Ocean, the end of the earth you could say. And while I will be giving up good things here - the friends I've made, the little local co-op grocery, my hard-wood floored dorm room, lol! - I will be gaining so much by simply redefining my track in life. Happiness, is what life is all about. Being fulfilled in what you choose to do. You don't have to earn a ton of money. As long as you can survive, if you are happy, that is worth so much in this world.

Then I think of the struggles I will face, and overcome, one more time. I'll have to register later for classes - thereby not always getting 1st pick, I'll have to learn a new campus, a new social scene, and a new town. I don't know anyone in the area (although my Mom tells me my godfather - whom I've never met - lives in the area) so I'll be starting fresh. But I suppose I look like I fit in there. When I visited I had people ask me for directions, and some locals even though I was coming in to work at the restaurant I went to eat dinner at! I also know I won't be alone (as it says over on the right hand side of this page). My family is there to support me, as are my friends new and old. Also, from the experience so far, I have a very, very helpful university administration. Everyone's always so nice that I almost start crying dealing with them because it's just such a relief. There are still your typical snags as with any big system, but there hasn't been the same ridiculous runaround that I've gotten here. This makes the whole thing so much less stressful, I can't even tell you!

Today I received an email about orientation, and the other night I was preparing everything for my housing application. It makes it all so real. It seems like yesterday this was just an idea, it was just yesterday I was freaking out before Christmas because I didn't want to let my parents expectations down by not coming back here. And I almost didn't. But tuition was already paid, and there was no way I would throw away that much money. Instead, when I got back I vowed to get help, and I did. Although academically it was still a struggle, I (slowly) found that the rest of life did not have to be. If something isn't right, if it's causing you that much distress, you obviously need to change it. And that realization, that decision within itself can be so intensely difficult that you don't even know how you'll just get through that part. But once you do, once you make a decision, then you can move forward with the planing. And that part's never so hard when there's specific steps you must go through. But you can't do it alone. Campus Health is there for a reason. Sometimes just admitting that you need to go there can be really hard, because none of us want to admit that there's something we can't do ourselves. But simply making an appointment, that's the 1st step. That's when you start to realize that maybe you can get everything under control. So I urge you, that if you're having a hard time, if you feel like life shouldn't be this much of a struggle, go get help. There's nothing to be ashamed of in it. CHS is there for that reason. Besides, you paid for it, you may as well take advantage of the resources. Because one thing is for certain, it certainly can't hurt you.

So, I have to give much thanks to Iliana for helping me through the first part of this semester. I could have never done it without her. And once I leave this school, though I'll never see her again, I'll always remember her. Even if she was just doing her job.

5 weeks. Are you ready? I'm ready. Or at least I'm pretty sure I'm ready! This is so crazy!!! Go world!

Peace,

Elina

So Much Hate For The Ones We Love

I was wondering today, when does love turn to hate, and hate to love? It's a thin, blurred line. Both involve a lot of the same elements. We love with intensity and passion, and we can hate with the same. Both love and hate can cause us grievous harm emotionally, mentally, and even physically. So this is the question I pose. When does love become so intense that it turns to hate, and when does hate become too much to bear and turn to love? Do you think it is possible to love someone with intensity and fire, yet curse them in the same breath with the exact same intensity and fire?

These are questions that not even my philosophical musings have been able to bring forth an even relatively abstract answer for. It is simply too complex for me to fathom. Yet at the same time it's a question that plagues me on a regular basis. It's a frustrating and foggy concept. It prompts pages of writing on identical subjects in various forms, which ultimately only runs in circles. Perhaps one day I will be able to separate the love from the hate, and the hate from the love. To let one or the other go. But for now I must settle for the total complexity of this never ending cobweb of contradicting, yet near indistinguishable, forces.

"You don't wanna hurt me,

But see how deep the bullet lies.

Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.

There a thunder in our hearts, baby.

So much hate for the ones we love?

Tell me, we both matter, don't we"

~ Placebo

Running Up That Hill

So Much Better Than Revenge

I was wondering today if every single one of us, despite out beliefs or values, has a little tiny, ittsy part of us that gets some kind of conceited satisfaction, some malicious glee, out of seeing someone we really don't like have something happen to them. You know those girls, the ones who rule the high school just by being bitches, who find it gratifying when someone makes a fool of themselves? Yeah, I'm talking about that little voice. Don't tell me you don't have it. That high-school princess who always gets revenge. It's the same one that makes nerds get their revenge. Now, I'm not talking like, life-altering thing happening to your "tormenter" here. I'm talking about tiny thing that are mildly humiliating, but ultimately harmless in the long run.

Because Lord knows that no matter how much I keep that voice caged up (because I mean,

come on, no one wants to actually be a vindictive bitch), it still snickers and points a finger when someone who has wronged me finds karma. I'm also not speaking about personally dishing out karma as much as we'd like to. I'm talking about being patient and waiting for the universe to bite that someone on the ass. And you know what? As long as it's not brutally harmful, it's amusing! It really is. It's the same kind of funny as we get from watching Family Guy or The Simpsons...in a way. Because as much as we may long to hurt this person in the same way they have hurt us, karma usually deals out things that are infinitely better than you could have thought of. And it doesn't require any work on your part! You just sit back and watch the train wreck unfold. It's much, much more satisfying, and significantly more amusing.

Whether it's that "mean girl" in high school who falls on her bum tripping on her sky-high heels, that boy who stole your girl who gets his ego deflated, or that girl who stole your guy gains a lot of weight, or that snobby coworker who gets told off by your boss, we all have someone like this in our life. And I think that if there was a chance we could get "revenge" without getting in trouble, we'd all do it. It's human nature. We're get angry, we get jealous, we hurt. These aren't pleasant feelings and in order to be rid of them, we'd have to be rid of the source. But that's not always possible of course. That's why when we want to pull that girl's hair, put laxative in that coworker's coffee, or key that guy's car, we don't (or shouldn't). Because by taking the high road, you know karma will be on your side. So not only do you get to be the bigger person, but you get to reap the reward of karma doing its duty.

"Now go stand in the corner and think about what you did..."

It's My Life...How Do You Want To Be Forgotten?

I'm so sick of people questioning what I'm actually going to do with my degree after college! Looking at me with doubt, like I'm going crazy. So what if I want to leave a top-rated, world-renound institution for something lesser? So what? How is it going to affect your life? What is this drastic change in my life going to do to you?! This decision isn't about you. It's about me. Me and my personal happiness. So what if I don't know what I'll do? So what if I end up being just barely able to get by if I love my profession? You have no right to judge me for that. We only get a little while on this Earth and my time is getting closer to one-quarted passed every day. I'm not going to waste my life fighting against the world, being angry at everything around me. It's just not worth it. Life is too damn short! So mind your own business and keep out of mine. It doesn't affect you! I'm not going to run the nation or cure cancer, so why do you care? I'm not going to be a screw up like you so you can justify your mediocre existence. Because in a world of billions I sure won't be remembered, but neither will you. Don't drag me down into your misery so you don't feel alone. Find someone else. I'm above that. Yes, maybe I am giving up the opportunity of a lifetime in the definition of succeeding in a capitalistic society. But it's not worth my happy. It's not worth giving up my love of life. Stop trying to impose your own faults and failures on others to vindicate your own. I'm not yours, you don't get a say. Find someone else to put down. You're an adult. Stop being a bully. Grow up and be a better example in life for those who need you most. You're so busy judging you can't even see how much you've screwed up the people who love you most. So yeah, maybe I won't be successful monetarily. But you know what? People like me. I have steady friends. I try to make other people's lives better, even if I only encounter them for 5 minutes. Maybe it's time you tried something new. Maybe then, you could be great too.

A Great Way to Be Forgotten

This is my life

Who are you to judge?

I don't do drugs

I don't start wars

Maybe I'm giving it all up

Letting opportunity pass by

Maybe I'll just be poor

But just maybe I'll be great

So what

If the future is uncertain?

If I don't know what to do?

If I'm not well known?

It's not your life I'll ruin

It's just me, myself, and I

I'm not a World Leader

I won't be remembered

No one in the future

Will know my name

But that's okay

I'm just here for now

Life's too short

It's just a blink

To live in despair

Let's live for today

Tomorrow's a new day

I won't be remembered

I'm not a superstar

But maybe I'm still great

And before you judge

Just remember this

It's not just me

You'll be forgotten too

____________________________________________________

This photo is my own all around. My own shoe too.

The Setting of Dawn

The Setting of Dawn

Just one month

It's all you have

It's time to leave

I cannot stay

I hope you know

I hope you see

This one's not you

It's all on me

I'll take the anger

By God please yell

I'll take the pain

I'll take the blame

I know it hurts

But time will tell

That you may live

In peace as well

It's just one month

But you can't see

This time is all

That's left of me

Down by the water

The blood red sky

It sets to west

The darkening time

As day sinks down

Your heart will break

Into the darkness

These steps I'll take

You will not forget

In memory to stay

Forever in your veins

Fading through the days

I hope you know

I hope you see

This one's not you

It's all on me

I'll take the anger

By God please yell

I'll take the pain

I'll take the blame

I know it hurts

But time will show

That you will live

Once more as well

Spring Break Time!!

It's spring break! It's exciting! It's busy, it's fun it's disheartening, and it's almost over. I've done almost nothing I set out to accomplish over spring break. That's not good considering the amount of homework I have to do. Granted, this is not nearly as much as it could (or rather should) have been.

The week of midterms I had to face the harsh reality of my first time ever failing a test, a class. This is something I never had to face before. Heck, before coming to my university I never really had to face getting less than an "A" on an exam or paper. As can be imagined, I was crushed. It was like someone pushed me down then laughed in my face. I legitimately studied for five days for that midterm, and with a terrible result. Now, it's not an excuse, but ever since my run-in with the PowerKite my memory's been more off than ever. But after it all, I had my freaking out moment, and then picked myself up and went to work on my options. Sadly due to the many requirements and restrictions of my university they were not many. In order to best accommodate for future plans I chose to drop down to being a part-time student. This is only however, because in order to drop the class I was failing, I had to be part-time. Also unfortunately it meant I had to carry 8 credits or less. In other words, to drop one class, I had to choose another to loose as well. While this was in no way my ideal or preferred choice, it will ultimately benefit me in the long run...I hope.

Transferring as an upperclassman to this school has been nothing but difficult. It's been roadblock, after roadblock, after roadblock. And after this decision, coupled with the inability to change my major, I won't be able to come back in the fall. Or I could, but then I just couldn't graduate in the 8 semester limit. So right now I have an application in to another university in the system and am anxiously waiting to hear back. There were some mixups regarding some transcripts so I'm hoping that everything is getting reviewed alright now. It's all so nerve wracking! And while there are things that I will miss about my current institution, as I listed them none were academic. I realize that I went there simply for the prestige. However, as my mother told me, if I got in here and I got into another school, and didn't go to the one I'm at now then I would always of wondered how it would have worked out. So now I know. It's simply not the place for me. Not academically, I was doing just fine except for that one class, but rather that it is not the place for me to live, breathe, and succeed as myself. It's time to move on. Growth and change, they're the natural orders of life.

Recently, as I haven't been doing my homework like I should, I've gotten into the ABC Family TV show Pretty Little Liars. Can anyone say hooked? The music, the twists, the gossip, the clothes, the beautiful people!! It's just all to much fun! So deliciously scandalous. Plus it's a great way to discover more new music. But now I've found it and there's just 2 new episodes left this season. Jeeze. I think I'll be hitting the library to get the book series to tie me over till the new season!

Luckily there's a few more things to get excited for this semester! Next week Keith Harkin will be playing an acoustic show at a club just a few hours away!! So that means that I'll be getting my (somewhat) trusty GPS and driving west to see the show. It's gonna be great craic as long as they allow under 21! Then later that week Keith & Emmet are going to be at my PBS station for the promo. My Mom was awesome enough to include a ticket to the M&G that they're having before the pledge drive. I was going to volunteer, but Mom was really quick on the draw in getting a ticket! So that should be pretty awesome to get to meet the "new guy" since he's practically my age. And the new guy of course. :) And of course with all this Irishness who could possibly forget that we're just one week from St. Patrick's Day!! The Irish pub down the street from my university will certainly be having the party of the night. Then later in the semester I have a ticket to see Kina Grannis just down the road from my school. She's a lovely singer/songwriter from California. Check out her music below. Not too long after that Iron & Wine is playing a couple hours away and I've a ticket for that. If you haven't heard of any of the aforementioned people above, you must go and give them a listen. Yes, right now. I mean it. Go!

Remember without music there would be no life, and without life there would be no music.

As always,

Peace,

Elina

Enjoy the photo, there's just no place like home.

And an all-time favorite by Iron & Wine:

Let the Rain Pour

It's amazing what only a few days can do to you. 48 hours, 2,880 minutes, 172,800 seconds. I was so optimistic in my last post. Now this time next week I'll be headed home for spring break. But let's see how much this school can break my spirit first. As if it's not difficult enough to be stuck here on an average day, it's even worse when it rains. It's cold, everything is drenched, and do not think this is a clean rain. Instead when it rains it traps car exhaust in the mist, the sewers stink, and the streets run with foamy, gray water.

My first midterm yesterday did not go well, despite studying for 4 days prior. Nor did the essay I just got handed back today. A seemingly simple assignment. And as for spring break, it's not truly a break. I have just about as much homework to do over break as I do in a normal week, if not more. If my university gets its reputation from trying to crush the life out of their students, then I can see why it holds its accolades. I wish though, as if I felt any of this knowledge is actually going to be applicable in the real world. But as of right now, I feel as if it is not. Many of my classes are repetitive, and for the love of God when am I going to need to know the difference between Intergovernmental and Intragovernmental? I thought I wanted to work in International Relations. Be able to travel and get paid for it, foster agreements and such. But I do believe that I was incorrect. There are so many other ways to travel and get paid, and with such cooler jobs than my major can get me.

But alas, now I must go and compose an essay for the intro core class of my major! I've only put it off till the day before it's due at noon.

Always be sure the decisions that you are making are truly for yourselves.

Peace,

Elina

Live By The Currents, Plan By The Tides, & Follow The Sun

The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever.

- Jacques Cousteau

The weekend has come and gone once again. What sadness. Although my Mondays/Tuesdays nudge me ever so gently into the week, it's still Monday! This weekend was much needed, even if it was a little exhausting. I decided once again to make the 170 mile (one-way) pilgrimage (alone) to worship the sand, sun, and salt water in the 75° weather. It was with the best of intentions that I packed up my books, beach towel and stunt kite and looked to see when the next bus was running.... "No current prediction for this route." Right. Saturday. This means the bus didn't even start running till 11:30am. My car is 3 miles off campus since you know, in 1790 whatever they were perhaps considering what wealthy lad would bring his horse, not his car. Parking here is absolutely non-existant, and I had forgotten to pick up my car the night before. At this point it's about 9:30/9:45ish and I'm absolutely determined to get to the beach. The sun is shining, it's warm, I'm going! I consolidated my bags as best I could (books take up space!), slung my kite over my back (thank heavens for the ingenuity of the Prism corporation), grabbed my keys and headed to my bike.

Now mind you, I was the genius that purchased a cruiser bike. This equates to being able to have a spacious basket on the back, but no gears unless I wanted to shell out over $225 for a bike. As I started my excursion I thought things maybe wouldn't be so bad. The street I was on was all downhill and I was cruising pretty. But always remember this my dear friends, what goes....uh, down must go back up. As I walked my bike up the freaking mountain (okay, okay it was a hill. But it's a lot more than anything out on the beach!) I realized the source of my sore throat was in fact, the pollution from all those cars whizzing by. Gross! As I crossed the intersection, nearing my final goal, I was ready to curse the city transit to the darkest depths. But you know what? I made it (at 10:30). I don't think sitting in my car has ever felt more heavenly.

Then I drove, and drove, and drove. Thank heavens it's 70mph for the majority of the trip! As I reached the nearest city and the speeds slowed, I opened all the windows. Oh sweet salt air and sunshine! I was home, if only metaphorically, and I was more than just a little stoked to be there. So much to the point that the traffic didn't bother me in the least bit. "Just another Saturday in the 'summer'," I smiled to myself. I broke from most of the traffic by deciding to drive a few extra miles to the south, away from the beaches where fundamental things like parking, are not free. While this beach did have a few hotels, and definitely rental houses, it looked to be a fairly local place. There were lots of beach-side houses with mailboxes and cozy neighborhoods that embraced everything it meant to live at the beach. And at the pinnacle of it all was...free parking.

I couldn't get out of my car fast enough. I got on the beach, found a spot, dropped my stuff, and like the little kid I felt like, plopped myself ungracefully down onto the sand and just sat there. There were families, lone sunbathers, groups, tourists, surfers, a pier, seagulls, sand, sun, waves, and wind. Oh God, the wind! We just don't have that here at school. I completely forgot about the sunscreen at the bottom of my bag (I thought I'd forgotten it in my dorm) and set up my kite. It's a big kite, but it's built light for winds just 1-10mph. And this day was not that. The gusts were just too much. Although I'd put on the heavier line set, I could feel it was too little at just 90lbs test. I put the kite away after about 15 min and set to the studying/sunbathing. To my credit, I think I did pretty alright in the studying department for being completely distracted by my surroundings. No y'all, I'm not talking about the "local scenery". Get your minds out of the gutter! The dolphins of course! And they were so close to shore. In all my years I don't think I've ever seen dolphins that close to shore.

After the sun started sinking to the west and the wind picked up I realized that no more studying was getting accomplished. So I threw on some jeans and a long-sleeved shirt (hey, I know that you need 3 different outfits for unseasonal beach days) and just "was". I climbed the lifeguard tower (oh so different than the ones where I live. Plus they take ours down in the wintertime), watched the surfers and dolphins, took pictures, watched the waves, and just in general took great notice of how few days I'd ever fully appreciated that I got to live at the beach. Some people live for getting to come to the beach for a week in a year, maybe every two years. I got to be there every single day. I didn't have to wait. Now I have driven twice this semester 240 miles round-trip to get just a few hours at the beach. It's been worth it every time. My friends and I are planing a weekend when we can go down together as a group. Probably in April some time with the way all of our schedules look. But I look forward to it all the same.

I was finally driven off the beach by the facts that I didn't bring a jacket and hadn't eaten breakfast that morning. Chilly and hungry...hmm... I found a local joint that smelled promising, and surveyed the parking lot. This is always a must when deciding where to eat at the beach. Why? Locals know best. Yes, I had found a place absolutely packed with local cars. The food was, as the locals waiting in line had said, very good. It was all too soon time to leave and make my 2hr and 15-30min trip back inland. In my time on one of the very most southern islands (certainly the farthest south I've ever been in the state) I was asked twice for directions, and then someone thought I was coming in for a shift at work at the restaurant. Guess I look like I fit in down there.

I was absolutely shattered when I got back to my dorm. I seem to have forgotten just what a day at the beach will do to you (coupled with a good many miles of driving). I smelled of beach and had salt stuck on my skin, my hair was windblown, and I managed to track sand over what seemed like every square inch of my dorm room in the span of 30 seconds. But there were shells in my pocket and I was happy...but freezing! I went to get my jammies on...and oh! There's the reason I was cold...and hot....and cold. My arms, shoulders, and chest were glowing a nice, light pink color. Sunburn. I was sunburned in the middle of February. It's the definition of ironic. Being the devoted beach kid that I am the Aloe Lotion never left my closest from the summer. Sweet relief...

Now the pink is nearly gone, the sand is swept up, and the shells rest in a bowl on my dresser. Tomorrow is supposed to be in the 50s, as is most of the rest of the week. But that's okay. As much as I'd love for this springtime teaser to stick around, I'll take anything I can get. It's just about 9 days till spring break, and my first midterm is in just under two days. If I survive them all I'll get rewarded with my very own beach. My home.

Remember to have random fun y'all!!

Peace,

Elina

My soul is full of longing
For the secret of the sea,
And the heart of the great ocean
Sends a thrilling pulse through me.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

This photo is my very own, shot on my phone this weekend.

Roommates, Road Trips and Roasts

So yesterday my roommate told me that the lock on our room was being replaced as she had misplaced (lost) her keys. And to be honest, I was annoyed. Yes, upset and annoyed. I mean, I've misplaced my keys before, but have always found them. Mostly I find it absolutely wondrous that you can lose a set of keys attached to a wallet. Now, I wasn't really sure why I was bothered by this. I certainly didn't have to pay for a new key. I wasn't the one who may have lost things in a wallet. And then I realized...I have been holding an unconscious thought of allowing the other person(s) to live in my room as opposed to our room. Perhaps this has to do with the fact that I've never had to share a room in my life, or maybe it is because my current roommate asked to live with me as opposed to being assigned. Honestly, I'm not sure. But I have been viewing this space as mine, and that I am simply kind enough to let the other person have some space too.

What the hell was I thinking?!

I didn't even realize till late last night (or maybe it was earlier today) that this was the way I have been viewing this. It's all these discussions about "unrealized privilege" and such that we're covering in my classes. Not that this is a situation of the advantaged and disadvantaged at all. But it's similar in its own right. At this point, I'm not really sure what I can do with this revelation to change my thinking/attitude. First I need to figure out why I'm view having a roommate in this way. It certainly has been quite the adjustment! Living with someone that is.

Yet it's kinda not totally like having a roommate since she's never here on the weekends. She heads home on her soul searching. In which I wish her luck. I wish she'd let Campus Health help her with it too though. There's no shame in going there for counseling, and there's some really great, helpful people there. Anyone noticed the change in the blog tone? Yeah, good folks.

While adjusting (even though it's been 6 months already) living with someone has been quite stressful. However, something bigger is approaching again. That's right folks! It's midterm time again (almost). That means there's papers due, reading to be done, notes to be transcribed, homework to be done, textbooks & flashcards to study, and of course, tests to take. We've been very fortunate that this absolutely gorgeous weather we're having *knocks on wood that it sticks around* has helped relieved some of the anxiety that is related to this time of year. But that being said, I haven't been home since the start of the semester and I'm really looking forward to Spring Break (Two Weeks!!!). A friend of mine and I are also considering driving south this weekend to a beach that's a couple hours closer than home. Although gas is getting really expensive again ($3.19 last weekend. Ouch!), it's nice to just get off campus and as far out of this town as you can go. Although we'd probably have to take homework with us, it'd be worth it to study on the beach in 70° (okay 67° but 70° sounds so much better) weather. Here's hoping we can both get enough accomplished tonight and tomorrow so we can go!

And with that thought it's time to put the pork loin in the oven and hop in the shower. "Ab"solution class killed tonight!! Owww!

Keep lovin' every day y'all!

Peace,

Elina

A Medley of Life

I would like it to be noted that this is the first post that I am experimenting not using gender-neutral language. I work very hard to keep where I am to myself (except to my readers who know me, which is probably most of you) and to keep my friends lives private as well.

Okay, so I have not been the best of blogger since being here at school. I'm going to try to change that and post at least once a week (right, like this is going to happen). This semester I figured that I'd have already had a trip or two home (due to being extremely lucky) since I have Fridays off. But alas! My Fridays are one of the busiest days of the week and not a single trip back to the beach has been possible.

But all this being said, those Fridays have been very beneficial for me. Some people won't realize how beneficial they are until they actually see me in person once again. It's also worth it since having meetings in the morning means the day is at least a little productive. This weekend however...not so much. Meeting, shopping trip, dinner with a bestie, Sat = oversleeping (3:15pm!!), Gone With the Wind girls night, grocery shopping, take car back to lot, wait for bus, clean dorm....and oh yeah, do some homework! So the weekend overall was productive, just not in the educational sense.

It seems like this is the time of year where everyone's waiting for something. Whether it's for spring break to be here or for university/grad school acceptance letters. I'm sending my other bestie (who's transferred to this university before me) the best of juju for getting accepted into the law school of her preference. She's a wonderful person and is going to do great things. She deserves to get into a school that is going to help her go even further. I'm also sending a friend from home good juju for his acceptance into this university for undergrad. He'll also be a transfer student facing many of the same challenges that I faced (and am facing still today). It's not going to be an easy road ahead man, but I wish you all the luck if you get in here. As for me, I'm still wishing I didn't have to be in school over the summer and I'd really like to have some income again. It's ridiculously hard to work a job while also attending school full time. Sure, I know people who do it, but it's not something I want to struggle with. You'll only succeed in spreading yourself so thin that you can't do anything to any kind of decent standard. Everything will only be mediocre. Although I'm sure it must be nice to have your own source of income. Lord knows I miss it, and feel terrible whenever I need to have my parents pay for something that isn't directly school related. But boy do I have some wonderful grannies. I've no clue where I'd be without them.

Another challenge (as always) is roommate stuffs. I'm worried about mine, but I'm certainly not the person who just out and approaches people on what may be awkward and sensitive topics. There's been...some stuff going on (which for matter of respect I shan't say here), and I'm quite concerned for my roommate's personal/emotional wellbeing, as well as wellbeing in school. I know it's not necessarily my responsibility to worry, but I can't help it. It's who I am. I care for other people around me. Especially when I have to live with them (okay, so the last roomie was an exception. But you get the picture). So although I feel kind of bad (and kinda sneaky maybe) I went to talk to the Dean of Student Services office. When they get in touch my roomie will know it was me who went to them. And that, I have a feeling, just might get awkward. I'm concerned though that the roomie seems like a totally different person tonight compared to the last few weeks. I just, don't even know.

But in happier news (and kinda shallow/consumeristic news), Verizon now has the iPhone!! Yeehoo!! It's only been since the thing came out that we poor Verizon customers have been waiting for it. And I thought for certain that I would be the 1st one in line at the store the day they released. I would have been too if I wasn't one of those people who thinks things through logically (at least a little bit), along with keeping my ear close(ish) to the ground of the tech world (okay maybe just the Apple world) whispers. But, rumors aside, if you look back, Apple has released a new model of iPhone at their summer keynote speech (usually late June/early July) every year. It only stands to reason that there will be an iPhone 5 making an unveiling, and most likely running on the 4G network. It would only be a smart marketing move on Apple's part. So no matter how desperately I wanted to camp outside the Verizon store down the street, I am testing my utmost patience (and self restraint) and waiting for the big announcement...or not. Time will tell. The worst that will be is that we'll get an updated version of the iPhone 4 that will run a little better. Cuz I mean, come on, we all remember "antennagate". Talk about the fail heard...erm, seen around the world. Just goes to show you that they obviously don't rehearse these things. Maybe they'll think about that in the future.

Also in really cool stuffs, there's this little local (mostly organic/healthy) grocery store down there street where you can make your own almond butter (and peanut butter too). How cool is that?! The almonds are in this machine, and you flip the switch and out comes your fresh almond butter. Yes, I did have to make some. Yes, it is absolutely amazing. That grocery store I will admit, is something I do like about being here. It's one very small thing, but it makes me happy. The thought of going to that little grocery store every weekend. Getting off campus, out of this stuck-up imitation of society. Plus that city's (town really) kinda hippie and chill. It's nice when the weather is starting to turn. Or at least fool us that it's turning (it has ADD I promise you). Highs in the 70s tomorrow and 60s/70s for the rest of the week! Sure wish I had a beach to spend it on. Perhaps a day trip south will be due next weekend if it's still gorgeous. Sucks that it's faster to get to a beach that's not home, than home. Such is life.

Anyhow, I'd best be going since it is the start of a new week and sleep is needed. Despite being nocturnal (and not in the least bit tired right now) it wouldn't be good to fall asleep sitting in the front row of class!

Roll on (faster) 2011!!

Peace,

Elina

This is a photo of Dublin at night shot over the Liffey.

Trials In the Dark

This is murder of the English language at its finest. It's after 5am and I can't sleep. I started thinking about the past and about the future and such things, and this is what came out. I'm exhausted and can hardly see straight to type this post. There are some, who if they only paid attention, would know it all. Everything is here, here where I write. But of course that's not the way it works in life. One day perhaps, one day.

I'm not even going to say that I hope you enjoy this. Heck, I'm just hoping it turns out as something partially readable when I come back tomorrow and see what I've written in my Spanish essay induced brain mushiness.

Trials In the Dark

You don't understand what it means to me

What it means to be free

To be free from the chains

These chains that held fast

The cold of rusted steel

It bit my flesh

It tore my soul

It kept me from you

Struggling with my bonds

I was nearly free

But captured anew

The chains red-hot fire

It burned new life

Hid the scars from cold

Burning white hot it came

Leaving damage like I'd never seen

At its presence I felt surely

That my bonds would be cast away

But when it passed I'd only found

My bonds forged to my very bones

At the flames' passing

A prisoner in the dark

I would not cry for help

Others should not suffer with me

Shackled I would remain

Cold water, cold stone, cold chains

It had been too long

The light was gone

Treachery took my home

There was nothing more

There was nothing left of me

Nothing, just despair

I remember others

Others in the dark

They told me it was not too late

There was still time

Strong hands reached from shadow

Pulling at my shackles

Alas, the tries were all in vain

There was only one who could help me now

The answer was there, as I well knew

I knew it all along

The riddle to my mysterious capture

Unwilling was I to face it

Surely that would change everything

The chains were all I'd ever known

A demon for certain

But a demon I knew

Oh to be free

It meant the unknown

A fear of which surely

Master would break me

For I was not broken

Only bound

There in the dark abyss

There in my mind

For my weakness, I wept

For those I'd hurt, I wept

For those who hurt me, I wept

For the strife, I wept

Tears streaked my face

I fell to the floor

Pulling in vain

At those chains that bind

I wanted so to be free

I would give it all

Just to know a day

Unfettered by cold

Salt water burned

Bolts hissed with acid

Yelping in shock

I looked to the sky

Dingy light filtered the gloom

I could see, barely

The bonds were loosened

Their determined hold still firm

Into the gloom I looked

There must be others

I waited in vain

There were no others

All along I had known

The hands, my imagination

Oh to be free

It was my journey alone

Others would watch

Their reach too short

They watched as I struggled

Blood dripped, tears fell

Looking up from my chains

So a part of who I was

That was when I saw

The solution within my vision

Standing, I reach out my hand

I reached blindly

My one and only hope

And waited, unknowing, silently pleading

Warmth, light like liquid

I was pulled forward

My chains wretched from the stone

Still bound to my soul

I was dismayed

This was not how it worked

No, damnit!

This was not freedom

Weighed down I wandered

Nearly captured again was I

Wandering in the shadows

A piercing light of white

My eyes were blind

So used to the blackness

Stumbling I began to fall

The hands, they were my own

This was the only way

The chins sizzled and sparked

Jumping in fright

Cold steel clattered to the ground

I looked in wonder

Surely this was not so

Surely this was a trick

A trap meant to torture

New hands reached out

Warm and soft

Hands of an angel

Coming from the light

Familiar hands that pulled at chains

Their strength not enough

Patience and time were all to give

The cold steel my own battle

I looked at the angel

A smile on my face

This was no lie

I was free

But still you cannot see

What it means to me

To be free from the chains

Because they were never yours

I tried to show you

But still you did not understand

The scars ran so deep

That which kept me from you

Now my heart is free

Now it is mine to give

Now it can be yours

But alas

You have known distance

Perhaps too long

I was away, I know

I was bound in the dark

You could not see

How could you not

I tried to show you

And now I'm free

Hardly thanks to you it was

You asked for things I could not give

They were not mine

How could they be yours

You didn't understand

You thought this time was at an end

Back you went

Away from me

But still I could not see

For I was bound

In the dark

In the ground

From light I reach

So full of home

The time has come

The time is now

There's only one life

And this is it

It's your only chance

It's your only choice

My Dear Sweet Caroline

I once again have gone on a 2am writing escapade playing with words and stanzas (but not really stanzas since there's no count/rhythm/rhyme). I'm mostly just writing again for the enjoyment of metaphor and imagery. I hope you all like this one. It says a lot more than what are only words.

My Dear Sweet Caroline

My dear sweet Caroline

You took my hand

Told me everything'd be fine

Told me the world could be ours

Oh, my dear sweet Caroline

Through long summer nights

Through winter cold

Everyone said I was the lucky one

The path to greatness would unfold

For Caroline your history holds

Tales of dreams we hardly know

Your family drenched in lavish gold

In your old plantation home

You whispered sweet to me

This poor soul you'd make great

But my dear Caroline, these lies

My soul it was you'd surely break

In your arms in this small town

I thought forever was so sweet

But no, my dear sweet Caroline

There are simply chains that bind

I felt for sure that we could be

Great together, you and me

But these bonds they pull me down

Someplace I swore to never be

But alas, once more I find myself

Crushed in the dark despair

For your love, it smothered

For your history, it choked

Your family it shall rule this town

This town that once, so fair

But no more sweet Caroline

Look, this is your legacy

You tell me we'll be great one day

But I cannot be free

This will always be my legacy

Me and you, burning blue

I fight to leave

I fight to stay

I fight to be who I am destined to be

Chained to this reverent legacy

I rise to leave

In shock you watch

I get my coat, my hat

You can't believe this is happening

Look at the townspeople

They scoff and mock

For I must surely jest

That I would leave this tier so high

For a lower place of rest

It is everyone's dream they say

To be with their sweet Caroline

She is the family's crowning gem

Their fair beauty standing tall

So it's silent that I keep

Walking through these crowded streets

Where day is stifled

And night is day

Looking at that plantation home

I see what I will loose

It makes it no more easy

To walk away from you

For Caroline, don't you see

What it is you've done to me

You've changed me so

Not all for good

I look back at you standing there

But surely you do not care

As a new beau is at your door

Awaiting to walk your floors

As I walk these tired feet

The people I will surely meet

They tell me what a shame it is

Such greatness I have given up

They point and snide

That nothing will I amount to now

For a fisherman I will be

Flying free

I fly to Wendy by the sea

In her arms I'll truly be

Free to sail above the waves

From the tyrant gone away

Never great they say I'll be

On the land and on the sea

For Wendy rules no land you see

Her family has no history

Her town is one not of elite

But all are welcome there

To be in her charge, so fair

To seek what they may find

To dear sweet Caroline

Still standing on her porch so fine

Her striking beauty in the spring

The wind so gentle through the trees

To her history she clings

Tried and true she stands

Keeping a brave face she stares

Ever watching 'or her land

Little time has come to pass

Since I walked her halls

But already she's forgotten me

Her eyes on greater shores

Oh Caroline, your family stands

So proud and noble too

You sigh and shake your head

Disappointed too

For you know that all you have

Will one day fade away

You'll be a memory no more

Like I am to you

For Caroline I'm on the sea

I walked away from you

Though tiresome the path I walk

It is away from you

Away from the legacy you leave

Away from your crushing façade

Your smiling face so strong, so false

You know your crumbling too

But Caroline you'll aways be

In that memory of mine

A story I will tell one day

Of how it is I came to be

On the land and on the sea

Just a distant memory

Living with dear Wendy

Where the gulls fly free

For don't you see sweet Caroline

Night here is not day

The cloudless skies are 'or head

The stars are shining bright

For never in your town you see

A time when night is truly night

A time when day is truly day

Trite things to you dear Caroline

Take the time to stop and see

And you will find life's mystery

Is more than just your legacy

It's in the air, it's on the sea

For once again I'll never be

With you my sweetest Caroline

I live on land, but near the sea

To fly like a bird so free

Let's Pretend It's Spring In This Hippie City

First off, let me say this is not going to be one of those philosophical posts. I'm way to exhausted to be anything even close to philosophical or deep. Right now my mind is feeling more and more like a shallow puddle. I have 3 (technically 4) essays due in the next two weeks, and one of them is in Spanish. That one in particular scares me. Not that I'm not all for learning a new language, it's just really, really hard if it's a language you haven't taken before.

But so far this weekend has not been very productive. Yesterday my friend and I biked to the nearby town (about 1.5 miles one way), which is much easier said than done. Considering this is the middle of my state it's classified as the piedmont. Meaning that those gently rolling hills you drive over in your car look (and feel) like freaking mountains on a bike with no gears! But oh the sweet success of our mission was so lovely. We'd gone for lunch at the local market where all the food is organic, vegetarian (mostly), and absolutely delicious. Not to mention that the coconut macaroons were about the best thing I've ever tasted. Did I happen to mention this town is quite alternative and hippyish? No? Well, it is. It's much cooler than the town that my university is in. Well, we happened upon this very awesome store but as the day was growing late and we'd ridden our bikes it was time to go. So vowing we'd come back today we set off back up the "mountains" and down the "mountains".

You can't imagine how proud my friend and I were of ourselves when 2 beach kids figured out how to find (and managed to catch) the one and only bus that ran back down to the next town. Believe you me, it was a monumental moment in both of our living-in-the-"city" evolutions. I think the fact that we even managed to catch the bus back was even better! In our time down there we not only found some fabulous buys, but also an entire funky and fun shopping center! It's not those chain shops, they're all independent business owners and there's absolutely no signs telling you that these shops would be there. You just have to know, because they're that cool.

After we made our way back on the arguably caterpillar-looking bus we found our way to the best sweet shop in the world and ordered gellatos in summertime flavors. If it weren't for the fact that we were wearing our coats it would have felt like summer again, if only for a moment. They've actually canceled the snow that was in the forecast, and it's supposed to be in the high 50s for the start of the new week. Talk about absolutely wonderful. And the days are getting longer too. The end of January means that there's just 3 more months till the end of this semester. Granted, that will mean that we'll have finals to deal with, but it's all in due time. I'm sure that this stately, well-tended campus will be absolutely gorgeous in the spring. Plus it will definitely be wonderful to keep our window open again. Not that the air here is very fresh, but it's certainly nice to be connected to the world outside.

Okay, I'll stop my pointless ramblings now and go attempt a crack at my homework. There's so much. All the time. It's insane.

Lies Under the Moon

Okay, so I'm not a writer by any means. I'm really not. But I was inspired to write these words that were floating around in my head. They came with a slight tune, but I wouldn't call them a song. But nor would I call them a poem. But I'm putting them here to share with you. These words that are mine.

Lies (Under the Moon)

Take me to the river

Tell me what I'll find

Under the moon

Where the water is wide

I seek not for courage

Nor for a sign

There is shadow all 'round

And the water is wide

The family is calling

But they will not find

That which they don't know

The future of time

Your grandmother looked

At me with a sigh

She knew that my smile

And my words were just lies

She told you to leave

She told you to go

But you did not listen

To the wisdom of time

Remember that night

When we looked to the sky

I told you I loved you

But the words, only lies

Now time has come

For me to sail on the tide

One day you'll know

As you look to the sky

Watch the sun rise

As the new day it dawns

I'll watch the moon fall

As the new day is done

I watch your face

As I sail on the tide

From the moon up above

And the stars in the sky

And your day will come

To sail on the tide

In the other direction

And the water's still wide

When that day comes

You will look to the sky

And see nothing more

Than the beauty of night

Into her arms

Your ship you will sail

She was there on that day

When all hope had failed

Why I had left you

To sail on the tide

No one knew why

As I watched from the sky

Your day will come

To look from the sky

For this is a journey

And the water is wide

It was that day

The sun rose in the sky

The truth I would tell you

Your heart it would die

For I gave you but ashes

All that remained

But you can't make gold

From a heart that's in flames

But now you won't know

As you rushed to my side

That my final words

They were only lies